Star Wars On My TV Part II: The Clone Wars

There is a literary device called “In medias res” meaning “In the middle of things”. Often script-writers will use this technique to the get right to the action. If Lucas were worth his salt, Episode I would have started right in the middle of the Clone Wars in the same way Episode IV started right in the middle of the battle between The Rebellion and The Empire.  But instead we got two movies leading up to the Clone Wars and one film set after the Clone Wars. Instead we got a children’s cartoon series to tell us the tales that, by all rights, fans should have got in the Star Wars films. The films are, after all, called “Star Wars”, not “Star Trade Disputes”.

Many adults- real adults older than I, in their 30s and 40s- have claimed that the 3D cartoon series “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” makes up for Lucas’ lack of vision in the Prequel Trilogy. They claim that “The Clone Wars” is dark and edgy. One person touted “There are parts that are better than Empire Strikes Back!” One person claimed that it was some of the best stuff on TV right now and that it was “Pushing the boundaries television”. I told my peers that I had tried to watch over two seasons of the show but I found it tedious and pointless. “You just have to get past the forth season”, they claimed, “It gets really cool when Darth Maul’s brother shows up”. 

Spoiler Alert: It doesn’t get "really cool" when Darth Maul’s brother shows up.

Whether you’ve seen the show or not, I am here to set the record straight about “The Clone Wars”. Here are 5 reasons why no adult should take this show seriously.

#1 The Prequel Conundrum

The problem with any prequel is that you already know what is going to happen to the characters. No adult is watching this series without having seen Episode III. We know that every major character (expect for maybe Ahsoka) will survive until Episode III. We know that Anakin will later turn into Vader and that every Jedi will eventually be killed (except for Obi-Wan and Yoda). Every time Dooku and Anakin fight, it is only a precursor to their battle in Episode III. Every time Obi-Wan and Grievous fight, it is only a precursor to their battle in Episode III. Every time Palpatine pretends to be good, you know that the Jedi are not going to discover him, even though he is acting suspicious constantly. Which brings me to my next point

#2 Jedi Pawns

Whose fault is it that the Empire exists? It’s the freaking Jedi’s fault that the Empire exists! Palpatine is using them to take over the galaxy one planet at a time. The Jedi are bringing Stormtroopers and Star Destroyers to every corner of the galaxy because they are pawns! If the prequels taught us one thing it is this. IT’S ALL YODA’S FAULT! He stood toe to toe with Palpatine and never sensed anything weird going on. He lent the entirety of the Jedi forces to the war effort even though Jedi are suppose to be defenders of peace.  And then when the shit hit the fan he ran to Dagobah and hid until he died of old age. The end.

#3 The use of Basic

This one proves that there is a target-audience difference between the cartoons and the films. In the cartoons there are no alien languages. Every alien speaks basic. Even the aliens that spoke other languages in the films, speak basic in the cartoons. Ziro the Hutt speaks basic. Cad Bane the Duros bounty hunter speaks basic. The Rodians speak basic. The Twi’leks speak basic. Not only do they speak basic, but they get weird accents. Suddenly Sy Snootles is a roaring-20s floozy. Kit Fisto is Jamaican. Aayla Secura is French. The Clone Troopers are Australian. The Nemoidians are Chinese.  Watto is Jewish. Eeth Koth is Indian. Even Piell is Russian. Shaak Ti is Spanish. But none of this makes sense. This is bad science fiction. Can you imagine if in the original Star Wars trilogy Chewbacca spoke basic in a German accent? It wouldn’t make sense. Wookiees don’t come from fucking Germany they come from fucking Kashyyk. Bottom line. Aliens don’t speak fucking basic and if they did they wouldn’t have fucking Earth accents.

#4 The Clone Troopers : Can’t have it both ways.

So the prequels tell us that the Clone Troopers will take any order. They don’t ever question what they are told. That’s fine. But this cartoon series tells us that the Clone Troopers are actually individual characters who have a moral sense of right and wrong. They have names like “Hevy” and “Knuckles” and “Crasher” and “Pony Boy” and all of them are loyal, Band-of-Brother, pals. Why would these heroes betray and kill their Jedi commanders? Well apparently at the end of the series they explain that biochips in the clones brains enabled Palpatine to use mind-control to have the Clones kill the Jedi. So which is it? Are Clones mindless drones or good-guys with mind-control chips? The prequels basically teach us that there aren't any bad guys in the Star Wars universe. Anakin is really good. Boba Fett is really good. Only Palpatine is evil, yet he single-handedly took over the whole fracking galaxy. Why would the clones even listen to Palpatine? By the time he gave order 66 he was unrecognizable and obviously unwell. Sorry, I don’t buy this flip-flopping clone bullshit. Let’s get back to the original trilogy. Stormtroopers aren’t clones, they are just men who enlisted for The Empire. They probably aren’t much different from the Americans who enlist in the US army. But no soldier needs a mind-control chip implanted in their brains to get them to follow orders and I doubt a solider is going to betray their commander, just because some hologram in creepy dark robes told them to. I call bull-shit.

#5 Emotional Connections

At the end of the day I have to ask myself, do I actually have any emotional connections to any of these characters? The answer is “no”. If I’m going to be watching animation, I’d rather watch Pixar or Dinsey or a Miyazaki film. I'd rather watch the Toy Story trilogy ten times over. I like Buzz and Woody. When it looks like they are going to get melted into plastic goo, I cry. It’s emotional every single time I watch. When Andy gives them away to Bonnie, I cry again. Darth Maul does not do this for me. His return is not surprising and is totally uninteresting. I don’t care about Ahsoka Tano or Captain Rex. I despise Anakin and Jar Jar. I could give two-shits about young Boba Fett. He’s a little brat.

1999 - 2014

For me the “prequel-era” lasted from 1999 – 2014. “The Clone Wars” is an extension of Episodes I – III. I don’t care about the characters or the plot. If the new “Rebels” series and the sequel trilogy does nothing else, it will at the very least end the reign of Jar Jar, Darth Maul, Count Dooku, Nute Gunray, Boss Nass, Young Boba Fett, Battle Droids, and Clone Troopers. The past 15 years of being a Star Wars fan have sucked and I’m ready to get back to the magic that I felt when I first watched the original trilogy at the age of seven. Fingers crossed.