The Seventh Star Wars Film (Sadly not Episode VII)

I admit it. I have spent the last four months blasting apart every decision George Lucas made from 1997 to 2005. This includes three special edition films and three prequels (6 theatrically-released Star Wars films). During those eight years Lucas constantly raised our hopes as Star Wars fans and then punched us in the gut every time. I'd like to say that things got better after Episode III, but that would be a lie. Which is why today I'm going to continue tearing GL a new one. Today we are going to talk about another theatrically released Star Wars film, perhaps even more horrible than any of the prequels or special editions. I am referring to a film that many of you probably didn't even see in cinemas (or have never seen). 

This film is Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

First, a little history.

In 2003 Genndy Tartakovsky released an awesome traditionally animated cartoon called "Star Wars: Clone Wars". It's awesome! Award winning! Critically acclaimed!

In 2005 Lucas thought that a CGI animated show would actually be cooler. He called it "The Clone Wars" instead of "Clone Wars". He was wrong, it isn't cooler. If Tartakovsky's show was the Original Trilogy than the CGI show is The Prequels.

In 2008 before Lucas launched his new CGI show, he thought that he might make more money if he released the first few episodes in the cinema first. He did. It sucked.

So the theatrical film is pretty much a pilot for the TV show. It's an afterthought, not much more. The film focusses on Anakin taking on an apprentice named "Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka is pretty much iCarley with a lightsaber. She's 14 and has a snippy attitude which earns her a nickname: Snips. Ahsoka is not a very compelling character, but she's not totally uncompelling. She's just kind of... blah.

Anakin, himself, is actually way cooler in this film than in any of the prequels. He is free from the bland pen of George Lucas and when not played by Jake Lloyd or Hayden Christiansen he's actually quite likable. When you see him you don't think whiney teenager, you think bold, brash and admirable.

Though it seems unlikely, the relationship between Anakin and Ahsoka is far from the worst thing about this film. It's actually something you can kind of get into. They probably play off each other better than Anakin & Obi-Wan.



One of the worst parts of this film is the Hutts. The film's plot centers around the kidnapping of Jabba's son, Stinky. The Jedi blame the separatists for the kidnapping and the separatists blame the Jedi. Jabba is a total tool in this film and believes whatever he hears from anybody. He's gullible, stupid, and ultimately unbelievable as a crime lord. His son just cries and farts a lot, despite the fact that he is suppose to be ten-years old.

Also there is Jabba's uncle (who is really behind the kidnapping.)  
His name is Ziro and he speaks with a lispy-southern accent (modeled after Truman Capote, some homosexual author from the 50s and 60s that Lucas obviously has a boner for). Ziro might have been a cool character because of his Black Sun tattoos, but because Lucas stepped in and specifically asked for Ziro to speak in an annoying lispy-southern drawl the character becomes way too distracting to be cool. Most children would probably assume the Hutt was a woman. I'm not trying to be offensive in any way, I just don't understand the point of the characterization. It seems to continue the trend of Lucas taking stereotypes from by-gone eras and handing them to a new generation of children who don't even know that it is a stereotype. It's pointless and potentially dangerous for society.

More hated than Jar Jar?

As terrible as the Hutts are in this film, the battle droids are far worse. They defy all logic. They participate in a form of humor that can only be described as "Lucas Humor" (basically things that Lucas think a 5-year-old child might find funny but actually 5-year-olds don't get it either). 


One example is that in the middle of a battle one droid tells another droid to concentrate fire on sector 117325. Droid-two looks baffled and says "117 uhhh... what was that again?" Droid-one says "Just fire right there" as he cranes the neck of Droid-two in the correct direction (actually the only direction where the enemy is actually approaching from)

The situation is just so impractical. Droids can't forget what they have heard. They are machines. Also, why is it Droid #1's sole duty to order around Droid #2 in the battle? If the droids have commanders, wouldn't they command more than one other droid? Beyond the ridiculousness the of situation, the joke just isn't at all funny in any way. It's not even a joke. It's an attempt at a joke. It's as if someone who doesn't know how to make a joke is trying to write a joke. It's similar to a lot of attempted jokes in "Return of the Jedi" and "The Phantom Menace". It's like Lucas kind of knows what humor should be, but he doesn't fully understand it.

Thunderbirds

Beyond the story itself, the animation style of the film is pretty terrible. It's suppose to pay homage to sci-fi shows in the 60's in which marionettes played the main characters (Thunder Birds). Trey Parker and Matt Stone did the same thing with "Team America" except "Team America" was funny. Here, the animation style is just another one of Lucas' references that is lost on children. Kids like Pixar, why not give them Pixar?

In the end it's hardly worth complaining about this film. It's almost like going to a junk yard and complaining about the smell. It smells bad because it's garbage. Rotten Tomatoes gives this movie an 18% which is worse than the Ewok Films or the Star Wars Christmas Special. If you haven't seen this film, and this blog has actually inspired you to watch it... good luck to you. It took me 6 viewings of 20-minute intervals (while washing dishes by hand) to limp my way through this terrible, terrible piece of cinema history.

Next Time: Something more upbeat. Let's talk Robot Chicken and Family Guy!