}); The Road to Episode Infinity

Monday, March 9, 2015

The "Never Seen Star Wars Girl" watches Raiders of the Lost Ark

You tend to view movies in a new way when you watch them with adults who have never seen them. For example, I never noticed how long the audience goes without confirmation that Marion survived the truck fireball. I kept thinking "Has the film always been this way?".

Johanna is an honest critic of these films and she has an interesting perspective. She's certainly not the first person to point out that Indiana Jones was totally unnecessary and that the German's would have failed anyway. Big Bang Theory also pointed this out. Personally, I disagree with this assessment. I think if Hitler figured out how to use this weapon, it would have been bad. Jones was there to at least get the Ark in the hands of the Americans. But I could be wrong. Maybe Johanna is right and the ending sucks.

Yet for a fanboy the ending is beside the point. For us fanboys we love Raiders because the scenes are so iconic, so classic. The rolling ball. The pit of snakes. The melting faces of Nazis. The ending is besides the point. The journey is what matters.

Next week Johanna and I tackle "Temple of Doom". Until then!

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Girl Who Has Never Seen Star Wars watches Return of the Jedi


When I started this experiment I had faith that Johanna would enjoy Star Wars. Most people enjoy the original trilogy. But I was worried. I was worried about the first Star Wars film being boring, I was worried that she didn't like Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back. I was worried that she wouldn't really warm up to R2-D2 or Princess Leia. Mostly, I was worried about Ewoks. I mean, who can take Ewoks seriously? They are overstuffed teddy bears. If Johanna thought R2-D2 was annoying how would she feel about the Ewoks?

It turns out I didn't have to worry. Johanna was an Ewok fan from start to finish. She couldn't stop laughing at their antics. And furthermore, she proclaims that Return of the Jedi is her favorite film in the trilogy. The 12-year-old me agrees with her. Return of the Jedi is the best.

Part of me wants to know what Johanna would think of Episode I - III, but most of me would never wish that movie upon my worst enemy. Let this girl live in ignorance of the prequel trilogy. I want to introduce many films to Johanna, but I want them to be quality films. Fun films. Safe films. I think Raiders of the Lost Ark will be next. After all, Indiana Jones seems like a safer bet than Jar Jar.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Girl Who Has Never Seen "The Empire Strikes Back" watches "The Empire Strikes Back"

When I was in 4th grade I won some sort of contest in which I would get to choose a movie that my whole class would have to watch. Even back then I was smart enough to realize that the 1st half of Star Wars is kind of boring. I didn't want my classmates to get bored. Many of them had never seen a Star Wars movie and I wanted to give them a good first impression. So I chose "The Empire Strikes Back". It was my favorite movie back then and is still today. The movie is penned by Lawrence Kasdan and directed by Irving Kirshner and it doesn't feel too tainted by George's lame dialogue or his 'Lucas-humor'. It is the best Star Wars film and might always be the best Star Wars film.

I want to compliment Johanna for being brutally honest every step of the way through this experiment. When she is frustrated with a character she says so. I don't know too many people that find R2-D2 annoying or Princess Leia a bitch, or at least too many people who have the guts to say so. Johanna's perspective continues to be unique and her questions continue to be sharp- perceptive. So I recommend you take 10-minutes out of your day to listen to this totally awesome experience:

https://soundcloud.com/broctorwho/the-girl-who-has-never-seen-the-empire-strikes-back

Monday, January 19, 2015

The girl who has never seen "Star Wars".... watches "Star Wars

I think it is every fan's dream to meet someone who has never seen Star Wars and then watch Star Wars with that person. Many parents wonder when they should show the film to their children and at what age. It is rare that a Star Wars fan can track down an adult to try this experiment on. If an adult hasn't seen Star Wars already, they probably aren't interested. And if they are interested, they probably will not enjoy the movie anyway. The film is not for everybody.

It was pretty fortunate that I found a woman in her thirties that had never seen Star Wars, but who was also willing to participate in this experiment. I do not think this is an experiment that people should take lightly. When you are watching the original Star Wars with someone who has never seen it before, you quickly realize how boring the first hour of the film is. "Sithspit!" you think, "What have I gotten myself into?"

Yet the end result of my experiment was worth the torment. I have always wanted to produce a podcast, and this under-15-minute clip is way more than I could ever have hoped for. It might be the coolest single thing I have ever created, probably because Johanna (the girl who has never seen Star Wars) is a natural conversationalist and a smart viewer. Without further ado, here a very cool audio cast that I hope you will spend a few minutes of your day listening to!

https://soundcloud.com/broctorwho/the-girl-who-has-never-seen-star-wars-watches-star-wars

Friday, November 28, 2014

The Force Awakens: Trailer Review


“Somewhere in space, this may all be happening right now…”




Trailers were originally shown at the end of movies, which is why they are called trailers. That didn’t last long, though. Trailers actually use to be my favorite part about going to the movies. I would show up 20 minutes ahead of time, popcorn in hand, ready to devour each one (each trailer that is). I would hope that they would never end and actually be disappointed when the movie started.

I’m not like that anymore. All trailers are available online, and usually before they enter cinemas. Trailers these days have a tendency to give away the film’s entire plot, and often the ending. When you watch a trailer on a tablet or phone, some of the magic is lost. You can pick apart each frame and debate each snippet. Nothing is a mystery. Nothing is sacred.

My first Star Wars trailer was in December of 1998. I can’t remember which movie I went to.  I think I must of known that the trailer was going to air. So when I saw this-my heart started pumping!




Alright. They got me. It was a joke and a good one. But that’s what good trailers should do. They should surprise you with the unexpected. So after the Austin Powers thing, the trailer for Phantom Menace finally arrived.




I’m not gonna lie. The movie looked freaking amazing. The first image of the Gungans rising out the mist seemed as epic as anything I could imagine. I remember going home and swearing that I would someday become a great film director. George Lucas was my hero. I wanted to be George Lucas.

The next several months were agony for me. I didn’t pay attention to anything in school. I just dreamed of Episode I. In computer club after school, I would try to stream the preview for the movie. Each day I would wait for it to load and after half-an-hour every day only half the trailer would be viewable.

Today this is still a good trailer but with obvious problems in hindsight. Jar Jar is still there. The Yoda puppet still looks crappy. The CGI is now dated, although back then it was miraculous.

I don’t remember having any religious experiences with the trailers for Episode II, though the arena scene looked cool. By the time Episode III came out, I was a sophomore in college and I had become pretty jaded with the prequels. There was still hope that Revenge of the Sith could be good, but the idea that George Lucas was my hero had started to die in my heart.

So now we find ourselves. 2014: another chapter in the times of Star Wars fans. On our computers, watching this thing over and over again. Picking apart frame by frame.





Ok… Let us pick.

We open on Tatooine and BAM! Black Stormtrooper. I actually think this is the coolest thing about this trailer. It feels very Joss Whedon to me.  When is that guy going to direct a Star Wars movie, by the way?

Next we have some kind of rolling Astromech Droid. Not going to lie, this is my least favorite part about this trailer. This is that physics-altering CGI that really pisses me off about films of the past 15 years. Also the Astromech looks at the camera. Not cool.

Next, new Stormtroopers. Cool! Except these guys have been leaked all over the internet for months.

Alright. Lady on speeder. Part of me cringes because it reminds me of Anakin in Attack of the Clones going to find his mother.

Next, X-Wing pilot flying over lake. Now this is what I’m talking about! Very Emipire Strikes Back! It feels real. Maybe even too real, like they are on Earth.

Then the Sith. This scene splits the fans. It looks cool. Sith in in snowy woods. Never had a snowy woods in a Star Wars film yet. Then the saber… cool. Then… What the fuck was that? Fracking cross guards? That’s not a lightsaber!

This one will be debated among fans for a while, but some are saying that crossguards make sense. Especially in a universe where people keep losing hands in lightsaber duels.

The last scene is the Falcon cruising above the desert landscape. This scene probably has the most weight because you don’t see any original characters in this trailer, but you know who’s flying that bucket of bolts as it whips above the desert landscape. It’s Captain Solo and his first mate Chewa-fucking-bacca!

I’m happy with this trailer. It teases enough without going too far. I’m considering letting this trailer be the only preview for “The Force Awakens” that I watch until I have seen the film. I really don’t want any more than this. I want to be surprised. In this internet world that picks apart everything months before it is released to the world, when is the last time you have been really surprised by a cinema experience?
    

Friday, October 31, 2014

Death Troopers

        

In October 2009, the first true Star Wars horror story was released. The somewhat disturbing cover let audiences know that this was not our childhood Star Wars novel. With a lot of blood and a tiny hint of stormtooper innards, Death Troopers was something new. Something unsettling had arrived to the Expanded Universe.


I hadn’t heard much about Joe Schreiber’s “Death Troopers” when I started reading it. I saw the book on occasion sitting in the Star Wars section of Barnes and Nobles, but it’s not something that I ever thought I would read. It seemed more like a gimmick- mixing Star Wars with horror. But as I read the thing I remembered, Star Wars is horror!


Flashing back to my childhood I remembered a dream from when I was quite young. Maybe four or five years old. This was a few years before I was even aware of Star Wars. I think my babysitter had watched “A New Hope” one night. I don’t remember sitting through anything past the opening crawl, but I must have because that night I had a dream of the Mos Eisley Cantina- All the weird and ghostly aliens drinking at that bar. To a five-year-old Star Wars isn’t just scary, it’s a nightmare! Darth Vader, the Tusken Raiders, even the Dianoga. After seeing the thing a hundred times fans forget how scary it must have been to a child of the 1970s or 1980s.

But as I read Death Troopers, I discovered a new height of horror in the Star Wars galaxy. The book takes place on a prisoner barge, dead in space, the engines broken. But there is hope. They come across a derelict Star Destroyer that has been abandoned by its crew. Or has it? There are no life forms on board, but maybe the Destroyer is not as empty as it seems.


         Is this set-up original as far as the genre of Space Horror is concerned? Not really. It’s kind of predictable if you’ve seen enough episodes of Star Trek or Firefly or even Doctor Who. But it is scary and it’s the first time Star Wars has been this scary. Also, about halfway through there is a little surprise for the reader. Let’s just say the Empire has been keeping a few prisoners in solitary confinement. Maybe a certain smuggler and a certain co-pilot.

        
Death Troopers is a fair tale. It has good elements of horror. There are disturbing moments that churn your stomach. There are deaths. Not all the characters make it out alive. This is not a children’s book by any stretch of the imagination. 

There are also good elements of Star Wars within the pages of Death Troopers. Therefore the book accomplishes what it sets out to accomplishes- it is a good blend of the two genres.


In December 2010 Joe Schreiber would publish a prequel to Death Troopers called “Red Harvest”. The title, of course, pays homage to Return of the Jedi’s working title “Blue Harvest: Horror Beyond Imagination”. Both books are available at your local book store or digital book store for those who have witnessed the death of book stores in their community.



Happy Halloween and until next time “May the Horrors be with you!”



Friday, October 10, 2014

Spooky Star Wars: Halloween Special Part 1




Galaxy of Fear

         The Star Wars galaxy can be a scary place, but never too scary. Star Wars certainly never reaches horror-levels akin to Ridley Scott’s Aliens. But sometimes, on rare occasions, the franchise has dipped its toes into the genre of horror.
         In 1997 “Horror” was reaching its apex of popularity. Kids were wearing “No Fear” shirts and reading “Goosebumps” books. Films such as “Scream” and “I Know What You Did Last ThSummer” were conquering the box office. 1997, was a good time to be a kid.

         1997 was also the year that Star Wars tried to cash in on the children’s horror genre with its series “Galaxy of Fear”. The first book in the series “Eaten Alive” had a cool holograph cover featuring a hideous monster. Any 90s child that was a fan of Star Wars and a fan of Goosebumps must have been eager to read this novel.
         Except for some reason I didn’t. Maybe it’s because 1997 is the year I entered middle school or maybe it’s because even at the age of 12, I was skeptical about a Star Wars / Horror crossover series. Maybe I saw right through the marketing ploy. I don’t know why I didn’t read this series as a kid, so I decided to try as an adult.

         “Galaxy of Fear” it turns out stars two orphans who lost their parents when Alderaan exploded. They were adopted by their mysterious shape-shifting uncle, Hoole. Tash is a force-sensative girl curious about the legendary Jedi whose history has been erased by the Imperial government through a series of “Chinese-Great-Firewall-Like” tactics. Her brother, Zak, is a skimboard enthusiast (pretty much a space version of Marty McFly).

         The twelve-book series also features cameos from more famous Star Wars characters such as Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia, but also some appearances from EU characters such as Thrawn and Dash Rendar.
         Whilst reading through the first novel I wanted to get a rush of 90s horror nostalgia. But I have to say, it didn’t really happen. Author John Whitman tries to emulate “Goosebumps”, he really does. There is the fact that every chapter ends with a scary cliffhanger (even if the slimy thing that crawled around Tashes’ neck turns out to be a lei of flowers given to her by the locals). There are mysteries and monsters but at no times did the book feel “spooky”. Spooky is important. Spooky is the difference between action/adventure and horror.

         In “Goosebumps” anything could happen and everything did happen. It was silly and zany at times, but literally anything could happen to the main characters. There were “Twilight-Zone-style” twist endings where on the final page characters could suddenly find themselves trapped in the body of a crow for eternity. You never knew what could happen in Goosebumps and the possibilities kept you wide awake all night long- not because you were scared, but because you were eagerly consuming the next chapter and the next and the next.

         “Galaxy of Fear” is not “Goosebumps”. If for no other reason it is because these books are serialized. Tash and Zak are featured in every book. These kids can’t turn into crows or be trapped in a painting. Nothing could happen to the main characters because they have to be around for the next book, so there is no real danger.

         I guess in retrospect what I learned from these books has very little to do with Star Wars and very much to do with how awesome those Goosebumps books were. I’ll definitely have to check out next summer’s Goosebumps film, which apparently stars Jack Black as R.L. Stein.

         
Star Wars would not jump back into the horror genre until many years later when the adult-novel “Death Troopers” was published. I’m not finished reading “Death Troopers” yet, but as far as “horror” goes, this one is the real deal. More next week!