}); The Road to Episode Infinity: May 2013

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Star Wars: Detours


After the success of Robot Chicken Star Wars and Family Guy Star Wars, George Lucas was sick of everybody parodying his movies.

Scratch that... let me start over.


George Lucas was sick of not making money off of other people parodying his movies. His solution? Parody his own movies. Thus, Star Wars: Detours was born.

When this was announced, it was a nail in the coffin for fan boys everywhere. Star Wars was no longer a film franchise. It was a comedy franchise.


Now we have to remember that Lucas has no real comedic sense, so he couldn't be expected to write funny things himself. The television show includes Seth McFarlane as the voice of Palpatine and Seth Green as the voice of Kenobi. They are also involved in the production of the show.


Some of the original Star Wars cast is also back for more. Voice actors include Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks, and Billy Dee Williams as Lando. Other voice actors include Felicia Day & Weird Al Yankovic.



Now, the problem with people making fun of themselves is that people don't always get what is funny about themselves. An officially produced Star Wars parody can only go so far. Also a show for children can only be so funny. You can watch the trailer for yourself, but it really makes me cringe in horror.


Fortunately, Disney was wise enough to cancel (postpone) this project before Lucas could unleash it upon the world. Score one point for Disney. Happy Watching:



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Bring on the Parodies

By 2007 the hope of new Star Wars movies was dead. The prequels had come and gone and Lucas had announced that he was so bitter about people not liking his films, that he would not make anymore and nobody else would either. Yet, by no means was Lucas done with Star Wars. He had other plans up his sleeve.



If you've never heard of the show Robot Chicken it's because you probably watch higher-brow television on cable networks. Mad Men. Downton Abbey. Breaking Bad. If you haven't heard of Robot Chicken it's because you've never been over to Seth Green's house to watch him play with action figures in his basement. In case you have missed the show... I just described the show. It's Seth Green literally playing with action figures that he most-likely bought in the 80's.



It's a Trap!

It just so happens that Seth Green is a Star Wars fan and included several parodies of Star Wars in his Robot Chicken show. Some of said sketches got really popular on Youtube. And here is where A-plot meets B-plot- ready for it? George Lucas watched such Star Wars sketches, called up Seth Green and asked him to do a double-sized Robot Chicken episode all about Star Wars. Yes, 30-minutes of non-stop Star Wars romp! (30-minutes is double-sized because Robot Chicken is a 15-minute television show. Apparently without Star Wars that's as long as anyone can stand to hear Seth Green's voice.)
One of the funnier bits. Poor Wampa.


Now Seth Green spared no expense putting this thing together. He assembled as many voice actors he could find including Mark Hamill, Hulk Hogan, Seth McFarlane, Ahmed Best (who voice Jar Jar in the prequels), Conan O'Brian, and George Lucas (as himself).

In the Summer of 2007, "Robot Chicken: Star Wars" premiered and it was a glorious day in the Star Wars fan-verse. Not only are the jokes funny, they are Laugh-Out-Loud-Rolling-On-The-Cargo-Bay hilarious. The episode was even nominated for an Emmy. Now the show is funny because unlike George Lucas, Seth Green actually understands humor (but more on that later).



What? You never watched Muppet Babies?

This certainly wasn't the first show to have a full-length Star Wars parody episode. Muppet Babies did the same thing in 1984. They cast Kermit as Skywalker, Piggy as Leia, and Ralph as Obi-Wan. It's quite a good Muppet Babies episode and worth the watch. But because Robot Chicken parodied Star Wars in a way that was both popular and profitable, the parodies kept coming.


My favorite scene in the Family Guy Star Wars Trilogy

By the fall of 2007 Family Guy released their own Star Wars parody. The project has been officially sanctioned by Lucasfilm under the condition that the characters looked similar to the characters that they were parodying. Therefore Peter was cast as Han Solo, Chris as Luke, Lois as Leia, and Meg gets to be... the garbage monster. 



Guest Stars include Chevy Chase, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Selleck, Patrick Stewart, Michael Dorn, Carrie Fisher, and Anne Hathaway.

Unlike Robot Chicken, the Family Guy take on Star Wars followed the story of the film's exactly. In fact, If you ever want to have a quick Star Wars Marathon, Family Guy Star Wars is the way to go. You can get through the whole trilogy in a little over two-hours and get the same, classic Star Wars story, but funnier.



By the Summer of 2011 the cycle was complete. There were three Robot Chicken Star Wars specials and three Family Guy Star Wars Specials. Unfortunately Lucas was not satisfied. It wasn't enough for actual comedians to parody his work, he wouldn't rest until he had parodied his own work. Therefore "Star Wars: Detours" was put into production.


NEXT TIME: The story of Star Wars Detours and why Disney may or may not have cancelled the project.

Star Wars: Detours, the official Star Wars Parody









Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Seventh Star Wars Film (Sadly not Episode VII)




I admit it. I have spent the last four months blasting apart every decision George Lucas made from 1997 to 2005. This includes three special edition films and three prequels (6 theatrically-released Star Wars films). During those eight years Lucas constantly raised our hopes as Star Wars fans and then punched us in the gut every time. I'd like to say that things got better after Episode III, but that would be a lie. Which is why today I'm going to continue tearing GL a new one. Today we are going to talk about another theatrically released Star Wars film, perhaps even more horrible than any of the prequels or special editions. I am referring to a film that many of you probably didn't even see in cinemas (or have never seen). 

This film is Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

First, a little history.

In 2003 Genndy Tartakovsky released an awesome traditionally animated cartoon called "Star Wars: Clone Wars". It's awesome! Award winning! Critically acclaimed!

In 2005 Lucas thought that a CGI animated show would actually be cooler. He called it "The Clone Wars" instead of "Clone Wars". He was wrong, it isn't cooler. If Tartakovsky's show was the Original Trilogy than the CGI show is The Prequels.

In 2008 before Lucas launched his new CGI show, he thought that he might make more money if he released the first few episodes in the cinema first. He did. It sucked.

So the theatrical film is pretty much a pilot for the TV show. It's an afterthought, not much more. The film focusses on Anakin taking on an apprentice named "Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka is pretty much iCarley with a lightsaber. She's 14 and has a snippy attitude which earns her a nickname: Snips. Ahsoka is not a very compelling character, but she's not totally uncompelling. She's just kind of... blah.

Anakin, himself, is actually way cooler in this film than in any of the prequels. He is free from the bland pen of George Lucas and when not played by Jake Lloyd or Hayden Christiansen he's actually quite likable. When you see him you don't think whiney teenager, you think bold, brash and admirable.

Though it seems unlikely, the relationship between Anakin and Ahsoka is far from the worst thing about this film. It's actually something you can kind of get into. They probably play off each other better than Anakin & Obi-Wan.



One of the worst parts of this film is the Hutts. The film's plot centers around the kidnapping of Jabba's son, Stinky. The Jedi blame the separatists for the kidnapping and the separatists blame the Jedi. Jabba is a total tool in this film and believes whatever he hears from anybody. He's gullible, stupid, and ultimately unbelievable as a crime lord. His son just cries and farts a lot, despite the fact that he is suppose to be ten-years old.




Also there is Jabba's uncle (who is really behind the kidnapping.)  
His name is Ziro and he speaks with a lispy-southern accent (modeled after Truman Capote, some homosexual author from the 50s and 60s that Lucas obviously has a boner for). Ziro might have been a cool character because of his Black Sun tattoos, but because Lucas stepped in and specifically asked for Ziro to speak in an annoying lispy-southern drawl the character becomes way too distracting to be cool. Most children would probably assume the Hutt was a woman. I'm not trying to be offensive in any way, I just don't understand the point of the characterization. It seems to continue the trend of Lucas taking stereotypes from by-gone eras and handing them to a new generation of children who don't even know that it is a stereotype. It's pointless and potentially dangerous for society.


More hated than Jar Jar?


As terrible as the Hutts are in this film, the battle droids are far worse. They defy all logic. They participate in a form of humor that can only be described as "Lucas Humor" (basically things that Lucas think a 5-year-old child might find funny but actually 5-year-olds don't get it either). 


One example is that in the middle of a battle one droid tells another droid to concentrate fire on sector 117325. Droid-two looks baffled and says "117 uhhh... what was that again?" Droid-one says "Just fire right there" as he cranes the neck of Droid-two in the correct direction (actually the only direction where the enemy is actually approaching from)

The situation is just so impractical. Droids can't forget what they have heard. They are machines. Also, why is it Droid #1's sole duty to order around Droid #2 in the battle? If the droids have commanders, wouldn't they command more than one other droid? Beyond the ridiculousness the of situation, the joke just isn't at all funny in any way. It's not even a joke. It's an attempt at a joke. It's as if someone who doesn't know how to make a joke is trying to write a joke. It's similar to a lot of attempted jokes in "Return of the Jedi" and "The Phantom Menace". It's like Lucas kind of knows what humor should be, but he doesn't fully understand it.

Thunderbirds
Beyond the story itself, the animation style of the film is pretty terrible. It's suppose to pay homage to sci-fi shows in the 60's in which marionettes played the main characters (Thunder Birds). Trey Parker and Matt Stone did the same thing with "Team America" except "Team America" was funny. Here, the animation style is just another one of Lucas' references that is lost on children. Kids like Pixar, why not give them Pixar?

In the end it's hardly worth complaining about this film. It's almost like going to a junk yard and complaining about the smell. It smells bad because it's garbage. Rotten Tomatoes gives this movie an 18% which is worse than the Ewok Films or the Star Wars Christmas Special. If you haven't seen this film, and this blog has actually inspired you to watch it... good luck to you. It took me 6 viewings of 20-minute intervals (while washing dishes by hand) to limp my way through this terrible, terrible piece of cinema history.

Next Time: Something more upbeat. Let's talk Robot Chicken and Family Guy!






Monday, May 6, 2013

Episode III Remake: Rise of the Sith


Happy Revenge of the Sixth! 

This is my final installment of my version of the Star Wars prequels. I have re-invisioned them for many obvious reasons, but also because I felt that Episode III felt a little rushed. I thought the Jedi died out too quickly (and lamely). We didn't see enough of Anakin hunting them down. 



Episode III – Rise of the Sith 
(In which Anakin helps hunt down the Jedi Knights)


Darth Vader before his injuries
WAR! It is the final battle between the Jedi and the Republic (the end of the second “Clone War”).  The opening scene isn’t so much different than the current “Revenge of the Sith” scene, except for the fact that Obi-Wan and Anakin are already fighting on different sides. Anakin has Kenobi in his scopes and fires two laser blasts across his bow. Kenobi releases several mines, which detonate right in front of Anakin. Star Destroyers are blasting down the Jedi warships right and left. Yoda, in the command center, can already predict the outcome of this battle. “Lost, we have. To the escape pods, we must go”. 

As the Jedi prepare to jettison down to the jungle-planet below, Anakin finally catches Obi-Wan and delivers a painful blow to his starship. “Goodbye, Master,” says Anakin- but he can already see that Obi-Wan is falling down towards the planet and will probably survive. Anakin reports his progress to Palpatine who instructs him to head down to the planet and hunt down the remaining Jedi. 

Meanwhile Ashared Hett is visiting Pamde Amidala, his former slave. Padme gave birth months ago and has been taking care of Leia, but she is worried that Anakin might come for Luke. Padme tells Ashared to take her son to Tatooine where Anakin cannot find him. Ashared says he will find a home for the child but asks if she will keep the girl. Padme tells him that, for now, Leia will stay with her. 


The Planet Dathomir from the Expanded Universe


Meanwhile Anakin and his forces have landed on the Jungles of… oh hell let’s say it is Dathomir. Anakin hunts down a few of the Jedi and slaughters them without mercy. He is already becoming a cold-blooded killer (not a whiney brat killer). Meanwhile Obi-Wan, Yoda, and several other Jedi have regrouped. They have found hired a smuggler, Raan Calirission, to take them off-planet in his new Ship, The Millennium Falcon. He assures them that she can break through the blockades. Anakin arrives just after take-off and the Jedi escape. 

Anakin heads back to Coruscant to confront Padme. He demands to know the location of his son. Padme doesn’t tell him, but he can read her thoughts. Ashared Hett took his son to Tatooine. 

Palpatine Clones from the comic "Dark Empire"
The Jedi have learned that Palpatine has cloned himself and that copies of himself are growing on the planet Mustafar. They decide that they will need to form two groups. One group will try and assassinate Palpatine, and the other to destroy the clones. It is decided that Yoda will lead the strike against Palpatine and that Obi-Wan will lead the assault on Mustafar. 


Ashared Hett
Meanwhile Ashared has wandered onto a moisture farm during his travels. He gives the baby to the young couple and tells them to watch over the child for a few days, but that someone would be along soon. Anakin finds Ashared and there is a duel. He all-but-destroys Aharred, but Padme has followed Anakin. She throws herself in front of her former master and begs Anakin not to kill him. 


Anakin- “You would give your life for a man who enslaved you?” 

Padme- “I would give my life for a friend”

Anakin- “So be it”. Anakin kills them both with one thrust.

On Coruscant the Jedi are able infiltrate the Grand Palace (but not without losses). Yoda and Palpatine have a battle (though neither have lightsabers so they use their force powers similar to Gandalf and Saruman in Fellowship). Yoda loses the battle, but escapes with his life. Palpatine has been injured in the attack. He contacts Anakin and tells him to get to Mustafar as soon as possible. 

At the cloning facility, Obi-Wan and his Jedi army are facing the new-born Palpatine clones. Many Jedi fall, but they are winning. Then Anakin shows up. The two sides continue to duel until only Anakin and Obi-Wan remains. They have their duel, similar to the one we know, but less stuff floating around on top of lava. The film finishes in a similar fashion to “Revenge of the Sith”. Obi-Wan slices up Anakin and he is overtaken by flowing lava. Palpatine retrieves Anakin’s burnt body and encases him in the Vader Suit. 



Obi-Wan escapes and briefly meets up with Yoda on the planet of Dagobah. Yoda instructs Obi-wan to watch over Luke and that he will be watching over Leia with The Force. He believes that one day the twins will grow up to become powerful Jedi and will undo what their father has done. 

The final scene shows Vader in his new armor walking across a Star Destroyer deck. The officers look up and seem a bit nervous. 

“Where to Lord Vader?” one asks. 

“Second Star to the Right,” says Vader, “And Straight on 'Til Morning”. 

(Alright nix the last bit)

Roll Credits

May the 4th Specials

2020 - 40 Ways to Strike Back
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2020/05/40-ways-to-strike-back.html

2019 - 151 Star Wars Aliens
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2019/05/151-aliens-how-many-do-you-know.html

2018 - Star Wars Polls
Movie Polls -https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/star-wars-polls.html
Character Polls - https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/more-polls-characters.html
Expanded Universe Polls- https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-polls-that-define-us.html

2017 -  40 Years of Fandom https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2017/05/40-years-of-fandom.html

2015 -Genre-Bending the Original Trilogy
Samurai New Hope- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/a-new-hope-as-samurai-film.html
Western Empire Strikes Back - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-empire-strikes-west.html
Pirate Return of the Jedi - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/return-of-jedi-as-pirate-film.html

2014 - Recasting Star Wars
Prequel Trilogy 70s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html
Original Trilogy 90s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-star-wars-original-trilogy.html
Sequel Trilogy Casting- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html

2013 -  The Prequels Rewritten: A Fanfic
Episode I - The Saga Begins - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-fourth-trilogy-re-written.html
Episode II - The Clone War - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-mayo-be-with-you-episode-ii.html

Episode III - Rise of the Sith - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/episode-iii-remake-rise-of-sith.html

Sunday, May 5, 2013

May the Mayo be with you: Episode II Rewritten


Hey all. Happy Cinco de Mayonnaise. Hope you ate 5 jars of Mayonnaise today.

Any way this is the second part of my re-written prequel trilogy. I want to say that I wrote this trilogy pretty quickly without much forethought. My only goal was to prove that anyone with half a brain could write a better story than Lucas. So as long as you agree my story makes more sense than George's mindless trilogy, I achieve my goal. 

Here it is Leia's and Gentle-Lukes!

Episode II- The Clone War
(This movie will focus on Anakin’s fall to the Darkside)

The Republic is at war with the separatists. Anakin and Obi-Wan are leading Clone Troopers against the separatists armies on Kashyyyk. Rumors of a Dark Jedi lurking in the forests have been circling among the Wookiees, and this disturbs Obi-Wan. He and Anakin, with the help of a Wookie guide named Chewbacca, investigate and track down the Sith. After a brief duel, the Sith escapes. 
Ashared Hett, unmasked

Meanwhile back on Coruscant, Padme has recently found out she is pregnant and is living in her Coruscant apartment. She is on her way home from the hospital when she suddenly sees a face in the crowd. It is the deceased Jedi Ashard Hett. He explains that he survived the duel with Anakin, and now he wants justice. Padme feels bad


Meanwhile, Senator Bail Organa has approached the Jedi council with troubling news. It seems that the Republic has begun bombing civilian factories on the planet of Jabiim. Though Jabiim is selling resources to the separatists, Bail feels that Jabiim has been given no choice in the matter. Yoda & Windu feel that the Chancellor has gone too far with his war powers.  Obi-Wan informs the Council about the Sith that he has encountered. Yoda instructs Obi-Wan to stay on Kashyyyk for the upcoming battle, but sends Master Windu to investigate the Sith. 


Battle of Kashyyyk

The next day there is a battle and lots of fighting. The Wookiees win. Huzzah!

Back on Coruscant Padme brings Ashared before Yoda and confides what really happened on Tatooine. Yoda’s stare grows icy and cold. Anakin and Obi-Wan return home as war heroes. During the celebration however, Anakin is asked to join Master Yoda in his council chamber. The Council is all there including Obi-Wan, Padme, & Ashared. It is decided that Anakin will be stripped of his title of General and removed from the battlefront. Anakin feels simultaneously betrayed by Padme, Yoda, and Obi-Wan who refuses to fight against Yoda’s decision. Anakin leaves in a fury (not a whiny fury, a rage-filled fury). He confides to Chancellor Palpatine that he feels betrayed by the Jedi. 



Ziost, the Sith Homeworld
Master Windu has tracked the Sith Lord (Darth Maul, who in this Bralternative Universe is not dead), to the planet of Ziost. He enters the temple of the original Sith Species and he and Maul have a lightsaber duel. Maul escapes but Windu finds a Sith Holocron that he had been carrying. 

The final battle of the Clone Wars is about to be fought on the Planet Jabim. The Jedi are planning on siding with the Jabiim locals (against the Republic). 

“Does this make us Seperatists?” Obi-Wan asks. 

“Separatist we are not,” Yoda says, “But no longer allegiance to the Republic do we owe. Jedi we are, and to defend the innocent our duty is”. 

Meanwhile Padme confides to Anakin that she is pregnant. She tells Anakin that she wants to have her baby on Alderan, away from the war and begs Anakin to come with her. But Anakin has already accepted Palpatine’s invitation to lead a clone army in the battle of Jabim. Padme points out that this goes against Yoda’s orders but Anakin is adamant and feels he has been treated unfairly by the Jedi. Padme goes to Obi-Wan with the news. The Jedi are leaving the temple when Anakin & Obi-Wan meet and talk about the fact that they will be fighting on opposite sides on the battlefield. Obi-Wan begs Anakin not to go, but understands why Anakin feels betrayed. Obi-Wan briefly regrets not standing up for Anakin during the trial. 


Battle of Jabim from Republic comics
The three armies get ready for battle (Republic, Separatists, and Jabim Locals / Jedi). Windu arrives on Jabim to show Yoda the holocron. Yoda assures him that there are Jedi that will be able to open it. There is a huge battle on Jabim. Ultimately, the Jedi win the day. 

Anakin and his forces are taken hostage. While this is happening Maul attacks the camp and kidnaps Windu. Obi-Wan is going to go after him but Anakin tells Obi-Wan not to go alone. Obi-Wan releases Anakin from his binders and they go together, as brothers. They track Maul to a Dark Fortress in the rainforests of Jabim. But giant guard-dog-like-monsters are released and Obi-Wan is injured by a sting. He is incapacitated. He tells Anakin to go on and save Windu. 


Sith Holocron
Meanwhile Yoda has unlocked the Sith Holocron and learns that Palpatine is the Master Sith. Anakin tracks Maul into the temple and tries to negotiate with Maul but Maul slaughters Windu saying that Sith do not negotiate. Anakin is furious and there is a great duel between Maul and Anakin. Anakin slaughter’s Maul in anger and that’s when Palpatine emerges from the shadows. 

“I slaughtered him in Anger,” Anakin admits, “I am no Jedi. Yoda was right to banish me”. 

“You are no Jedi, Anakin Skywalker” says Palpatine, “But you could be a powerful Sith lord,”. 

“No,” says Anakin, "I will never join the Sith"


Anakin makes a choice

“You have little choice,” says Palpatine, “Go back to the Jedi and they will not accept you. You will live a life of exile and you will die a failure. But join me… I will make you the Republic’s Greatest Hero,” 

Anakin can see that Palpatine is right. “I will pledge my life to you,” says Anakin.

“Good,” says Palpatine, “Then I rename thee… Darth Vader”

Roll Credits

Back tomorrow with Episode III - Rise of the Sith

May the 4th Specials

2020 - 40 Ways to Strike Back
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2020/05/40-ways-to-strike-back.html

2019 - 151 Star Wars Aliens
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2019/05/151-aliens-how-many-do-you-know.html

2018 - Star Wars Polls
Movie Polls -https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/star-wars-polls.html
Character Polls - https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/more-polls-characters.html
Expanded Universe Polls- https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-polls-that-define-us.html

2017 -  40 Years of Fandom https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2017/05/40-years-of-fandom.html

2015 -Genre-Bending the Original Trilogy
Samurai New Hope- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/a-new-hope-as-samurai-film.html
Western Empire Strikes Back - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-empire-strikes-west.html
Pirate Return of the Jedi - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/return-of-jedi-as-pirate-film.html

2014 - Recasting Star Wars
Prequel Trilogy 70s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html
Original Trilogy 90s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-star-wars-original-trilogy.html
Sequel Trilogy Casting- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html

2013 -  The Prequels Rewritten: A Fanfic
Episode I - The Saga Begins - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-fourth-trilogy-re-written.html
Episode II - The Clone War - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-mayo-be-with-you-episode-ii.html

Episode III - Rise of the Sith - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/episode-iii-remake-rise-of-sith.html

Saturday, May 4, 2013

May the Fourth: A Trilogy Re-Written

Hello Fanboys, AKA people who are geeky enough to read my humble yet strong views on everything Star Wars. Happy May the Fourth (be with you). As some of you know, today was the day I watched "Revenge of the Sith" for the second time. I had not re-watched it since first seeing it opening night in May of 2005 and today I remembered why. 

Though I remember the film as being action-packed, I was surprised to find that Episode III is actually quite boring. It is stuffed front-to-back with endless scenes of badly-written exposition- endless dialogue that explains why each character makes the decisions they make. It turns out that Anakin's fall to the dark side was nothing more than a series of soliloquies about how mad he was at the Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi for not making him a master. 

The plot is also full of holes. When Anakin first sees Padme he gives her a giant hug, but fails to notice that she's nine-months pregnant. She actually has to tell him. And apparently she has not had an ultrasound because she doesn't know that she is having twins and apparently Anakin cannot feel the babies through the force. It struck me that Lucas probably didn't really know what was going to happen in this film. He introduced the characters in Phantom. Anakin & Padme fell in love in Clones. And then... Oh, crap... I guess a lot has to happen in this one movie. "What the hell am I going to do!"

I always have thought that this trilogy doesn't work, because there is no breathing room. Anakin's fall is too quick. The Jedi are extinguished in a 20-second montage. Whatever happened to the part where Anakin is suppose to help the Emperor hunt down all the Jedi? It's not there! So it got me thinking... What if someone else were in charge of writing the prequels. Could someone else make films that actually make a lick of sense? Could a fan (any fan) with a keyboard create a better synopsis for these films?

And so ladies and gentlemen (probably just gentlemen), on this May the 4th I have attempted to rewrite the Star Wars Prequel trilogy. I typed up the three episodes fairly quickly, but I think I have something that makes more sense than Lucas' story. I have a rough draft of all three movies and will release one each day for the next three days starting right now...


STAR WARS EPISODE I - THE SAGA BEGINS

(This movie focusses on Anakin & Padme meeting and falling in love. I skipped the whole part about Darth Vader being a 9-year-old and stuff.)

Coruscant – Anakin & Obi-Wan are on an assignment. They are tracking down a separatist leader and rogue Jedi known as Count Dooku. Dooku is not a Sith, just a Jedi who believes in the separatist cause. When they finally corner Dooku to get answers he is assassinated by a toxic dart and the assassin gets away with a rocket pack (can you guess who it was?)


Ashared Hett from Republic Comics
Later the Jedi council are concerned that the planet Hutt controlled- Tatooine (Anakin’s homeworld) is the next in line to separate from the republic. Anakin and Obi-Wan and Jedi Ashared Hett are dispatched there to try and incite a rebellion and take control back from the Hutts. Ashared Hett’s father is the leader of a Tusken camp and they are able to convince his father to help fight the Hutts, but Anakin is discouraged that the Tuskens have slaves. Obi-wan tells him that the Jedi must use the Tuskens for greater good and ignore the slavery until the separatist threat is extinguished, but Anakin falls in love with a slave-girl named Padme. 

The Jedi and the Tuskens lead a successful raid against a Hutt clan (The battle of Tatooine). During the battle Jango Fett manages to capture Obi-wan and takes him to Jabba. Jango exchanges Obi-Wan for his kidnapped son, Boba. It is Jabba’s plan to publicly execute, Obi-Wan for war crimes to make an example out of the Jedi. 

Meanwhile Anakin, Ashared, & Ashared’s father are discussing how to attack Jabba’s palace when Padme’s younger brother is caught stealing food. The Tuskens are going to chop his hand off when Padme grabs a blaster and shoots down two Tuskens. Ashared's father says that Padme must be executed and orders Ashared to do it, but Anakin frees her in the middle of the night and they escape. 

Meanwhile Obi-wan hatches a plan to get word to the Jedi Council that he is going to be executed. He manages to help an R2 unit escape servitude by deactivating it’s restraining bolt. R2-D2 escapes the palace with Obi-Wan’s message. 

Meanwhile, back at Corusant, the Republic is on the brink of war. Chancellor Palpatine has come to Yoda with news that Republic has a secret weapon. Yoda and Palpatine travel to Kamino, where the clones are being created. Yoda is troubled, but Palpatine assures him that the Clones are to be used if it comes to war. 

Meanwhile Obi-Wan’s execution has come. He has no idea if R2 has got the message to the Jedi Council, but at the last moment the Jedi arrive to save the day. There is a big battle and much rejoicing. 


Meanwhile Padme has convinced Anakin that they need to go back to the camp to rescue her brother and her family, who will surely be punished. They do so, but in the process, Anakin kills many Tuskens, including Ashared’s father. There is a lightsaber duel between Ashared & Anakin, which results in Ashared’s death. Anakin & Padme debate what to do about the captured Tuskens. The slaves convince Anakin that the Tuskens must be executed, including the woman and children and to Padme’s disappointment, Anakin executes them. Anakin & Padme are left with a terrible secret and agree never to reveal it. 


Back on Coruscant more systems have pulled away from the Republic and Chancellor Palpatine decides that the Clone Army is needed. Yoda seems worried.

 Cut to Credits

Tomorrow - Anakin's fall to the dark side in 
STAR WARS EPISODE II: THE CLONE WARS

May the 4th Specials

2020 - 40 Ways to Strike Back
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2020/05/40-ways-to-strike-back.html

2019 - 151 Star Wars Aliens
https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2019/05/151-aliens-how-many-do-you-know.html

2018 - Star Wars Polls
Movie Polls -https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/star-wars-polls.html
Character Polls - https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/more-polls-characters.html
Expanded Universe Polls- https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-polls-that-define-us.html

2017 -  40 Years of Fandom https://roadto7.blogspot.com/2017/05/40-years-of-fandom.html

2015 -Genre-Bending the Original Trilogy
Samurai New Hope- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/a-new-hope-as-samurai-film.html
Western Empire Strikes Back - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-empire-strikes-west.html
Pirate Return of the Jedi - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2015/05/return-of-jedi-as-pirate-film.html

2014 - Recasting Star Wars
Prequel Trilogy 70s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html
Original Trilogy 90s Casting - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-star-wars-original-trilogy.html
Sequel Trilogy Casting- http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2014/05/recasting-trilogy.html

2013 -  The Prequels Rewritten: A Fanfic
Episode I - The Saga Begins - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-fourth-trilogy-re-written.html
Episode II - The Clone War - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/may-mayo-be-with-you-episode-ii.html

Episode III - Rise of the Sith - http://roadto7.blogspot.com/2013/05/episode-iii-remake-rise-of-sith.html