Star Wars Holiday Special

Chewie's Family - Malla, Lumpy, & Itchy

          Star Wars fans have seen both low and high points in the story of the Star Wars saga. There are mixed feelings on just about everything that has happened since the original movie released in 1977. You may be a fan of the prequels or a hater. You might love Lucas’ constant tinkering with the original trilogy or not. There are even fans divided over Ewoks. But there is one thing every single fan can agree on: The Star Wars Holiday Special was the worse thing to happen to television.

            Notice I didn’t say the worse thing to happen to Star Wars (even though its true). I said the worse thing to happen to television- and Christmas for that matter. Don’t believe me. In “What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events In Television History”, David Hofstede, ranked the Holiday Special at number one.

The special featured all the original actors from the movie but was mainly centered on Chewbacca’s family which includes his father “Itchy”, his wife “Mala”, and his morbidly obese Wookiee-son “Lumpy”.

Now you may have heard about this special and how bad it was, but as someone who actually had to sit down and watch it… putting an open exhaust port on the first death star was a mild mistake compared to this Christmas Special.

If you ever plan on watching this piece of rancor-vomit, let me save you the trouble. First you need to know that it clocks in at a full 2-hours in length. Second is that this Special only aired once in 1978 and it is only because someone recorded it that it still exists. Third is that Lucas has said that he would like to take a sledgehammer to every living copy. Fourth thing is that every single act stinks worse than a Tauntaun (on the inside).

Luke talks sexy to Chewie's wife

Let me summarize: The first five or ten minutes takes place on Planet Kashyyyk, the Wookiee homeworld. Chewbacca’s family is celebrating “Life Day” and Chewie is suppose to be home soon to join them. Chewie’s wife is cooking and donning a Wookiee-apron.  Lumpy, his son, keeps trying to steal cookies. This goes on for a while and the family is worried about Chewie who is late. They call up Luke Skywalker to ask for help. Mark Hamill tells them not to worry and delivers a bunch of cheesy lines like “Come on Mala, let’s see a little smile,”. I want to reach through the screen and take Hamill by the collar and tell him “Wookiees don’t fucking smile!”

Chewie's Dad, Itchy, watches porn

When the special is not focused on the Wookiee family, it is focused on what they are watching on their old 1950’s-style television sets. There’s an annoying cross-dressing chef who has four arms and teaches Mala how to make Bantha rump. Meanwhile Chewie’s father is plugged into a virtual reality system in the living room watching what can only be described as a "pornographic masturbation chamber". Yes, Chewie's dad is a horny old wookiee that watches porn. You cannot get through this part without being extremely uncomfortable and thinking about the little kids from 1978 have their eyes glued to the screen.

Ford's expression whenever this
special is mentioned

Meanwhile Chewbacca and Han are in the falcon having some trouble with the Imperials. First problem is that every shot of the falcon and the ships following them is stock footage from the movie “Star Wars”.  To his credit, Ford is the only convincing thing about this Christmas Special.

Back in the Wookiee household, the imperials have stormed the house. Now in “Star Wars” the imperials meant business. They had British accents and seemed like intelligent overlords. The Imperials in this film are simply assholes that storm around the house knocking things over for no reason. Eventually one turns on the television and watches “Jefferson Airplane” for a while- a band from the 70’s on Earth who sing Earth songs and have nothing to do with a Galaxy far, far, away.

First appearance of Boba Fett

Meanwhile Lumpy is watching a cartoon which stars his father, Luke, Han and the droids and their run-in with a bounty hunter named Boba Fett. This is, of course, Boba Fett’s first appearance in the Star Wars universe. The first times fans will ever glimpse him and the short cartoon might be the strongest bit of this Christmas special, though that isn’t saying much. The biggest problem I had was the animation of C-3PO, which featured the droid moving his eyebrows, blinking, and extending his neck like a snake.

Back in the Wookiee household storm troopers are still idly throwing stuff around. It is never mentioned why they came to this house to search for hours, while seemingly ignoring the other houses on planet Kshhhyk- or why the wookiees don’t just rip their fucking arms off, like wookiees are suppose to do.

Bea Arthur in the Cantina

Next comes the lowest point in the show. It takes place in the Cantina on Mos Eisley and features all the aliens from the bar scene. There is a human bartender and she is ripped right out of a British sitcom. The empire has enforced a curfew and it is her job to get everyone to go home. So, naturally, she sings “Goodnight but not Goodbye” (which is intercut with the Modal Nodes playing the Cantina song) and then she proceeds to dance Ponda Bubu until Greedo cuts in. Also she insists on calling all the bar aliens weird names like “Bobo” and “Frank” even though the fans know these are not the names of the bar aliens. By the end of the song Star Wars has been defiled- defiled in a way that even the prequels can not contend with.

Leia sings about "Life Day"

The special ends with Han and Chewie showing up and saving the day. Then Chewiee makes out with his wife in an uncomfortably long session of Wookiee PDA, then the wookiees put on robes and walk through the stars together and if that’s not bad enough, Princess Leia sings a song about “Life Day”. It ends with a montage of the original film.

Star-Wars-ruined-forever-Merry-Christmas-Please-don’t-watch-this-film.

On a lighter note Carrie Fisher claims she plays this show at parties when she wants her guests to go home for the night.

Wookiee's wear clothes and carry orbs

Next Time we Explore “Splinter of the Mind’s Eye”, the first entry into the Star Wars Expanded Universe to talk about a scary subject…. Canon