The Road to Episode Infinity: Return of the Jedi as a Pirate Film

Bone Wars
Episode VI: Return to Skull Island

Luke Searaider has arrived in the port of Hong Kong to rescue his friend Captain One-Hand from the opium lord, Jubba the Hung. Little does Luke know that the East Imperial Trading Company has began construction of a new giant man-of-war called “Tarkin’s Revenge” off the coast of Skull Island. This ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of pirates struggling to restore free trade to the seas…

(The pirate cook Three Peas O’Brian is moving through the crowded streets of Hong Kong with his parrot Arrr-too)

Arrr-too – Squack

Three Peas- Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. “Long Bones” Calrissian and Chewie the Giant never returned from this awful place. Are you sure this is the right place Arr-too? A bad feeling have I.

(A tall gangster -Bo Fortunes- answers the door)

Bo- What you want, gold hair?

Three Peas- I’ve come to purchase opium, sir.

Bo- You want opium, you go to street dealer.

Three Peas- You don’t understand, good sir. I need to fill a ship.

Bo- Heh! You’ll never get out of Hong Kong harbor with a ship full of opium. The East Imperial Trading Company catch you!

Three Peas- Well it’s a good thing we are sailing west.

Bo- I see. Come in.

Scene 2

Jubba- What makes you think that you can sneak a ship full of opium out of Hong Kong?

Three Peas- I have a fast ship and a fast crew and an excellent captain.

Jubba- So you have said. But what is the name of this captain? Surely I would have heard of him.

Three Peas- Of course. His name is Captain One Hand of the Malaysain Falcoln.

(There is an uproar from the Opium Den)

Jubba- Ho ho ho ho! Funny little pirate. Captain One Hand has become my permanent decoration.

(A wall rotates and we see Captain One Hand is chained to it. He is thin, bony, and looks half dead. The palace erupts in laughter)

Three Peas- Ah, yes. But since the old Captain One Hand was taken into your custody a new Captain One Hand has taken his place. One former, Luke Searider.

Jubba- Luke Searider is only a boy. He’s no captain. I grow tired of this farce. Guards take this scallywag to the scullery and put him to work.

Scene 3

(Late that night Arrr-too flies from Jubba’s opium den back to the Malaysian Falcoln. He lands on Luke Searider and places a key in his hand)

Luke- Good boy!

Scene 4

(Eliza Bloodthrone enters Jubba’s den. She has Chewie the Giant in chains)

Eliza- I have come to claim bounty on this giant

Jubba- Ho, ho, ho, ho! You can’t fool me, wench. You are Eliza Bloodthrone, Heir to the Island of Atlantis, which the Empire destroyed. It was assaulted by so many cannonballs that it is said the entire island sunk into the drink. Your people have drowned and you are a princess no longer.

Eliza- Are you going to give me my reward or not?

Jubba- You are part of the crew of the Malaysian Falcon. Captain One Hand is your lover. Why would you betray his first mate?

Eliza- I suggest that you take the bounty, Jubba.

Jubba- And why is that?

Eliza- Because I am holding a stick of dynamite.

(There is an uproar from the opium den)

Jubba- Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho! You expect me to be afraid of one stick of dynamite. It isn’t even lit!

(Luke Searider’s voice comes from above, high in the rafters. He is holding a torch)

Luke- There is plenty more where that came from! Your floor boards are lined with the Jubba. Now you will release Captain One Hand to me or we will all die in flame.

Jubba- How did you get here? Guards, kill him!

(The guards move for their weapons. There is an explosion from the kitchen)

Luke- I’m not fooling around Jubba. This is your last chance!

Jubba- Alright. Guards. Lower your weapons. It appears we have a Pekinese stand off. Let us parley, boy. You want me to release the captain to you and I don’t want to die- but if I hand you the captain and let you walk free, how can you guarantee me that you don’t blow me up anyway?

Luke- Simple. You walk out of here. Right now. You leave… then we leave.

Jubba- Alright. Fine. We leave. But what do I get out of this trade?

Eliza- This is no trade you overgrown tub of lard! This is a death threat!

Jubba- Yes, I see. Since I don’t want to die, I give you what you want. There’s only one problem my sweet princess. You see, I know that you don’t want to die either and that you don’t want him to die. And maybe you value his life even more than I value my own.

Luke- What do you want, Jubba?

Jubba- A fair trade!

Luke- What trade?

Jubba- I want the girl. The girl comes with me and my men. You get your captain back. I leave…. Then you leave.

Luke- It’s not happening, Jubba!

Jubba- It’s a fair trade. One double-crossing low-life pirate captain for the princess of a sunken world.

Eliza- I’ll do it!

Luke- Eliza, no!

Eliza- It’s the only way to save him, Luke. I’m sorry.

(She surrenders himself to Jubba)

Scene 5

Bo- Where are you going master?

Jubba- To my junk barge. We’re getting out of here. Tell the bosun to ready the crew for Singapore.

Scene 6 – In which the Malaysian Falcon chases down Jubba’s Junk Barge and his battle skiffs and a fight ensues. Jubba summons his “pet” kraken which eats all the poor souls that happen to fall into the ocean during the skirmish.

Scene 7- In which Eliza Bloodthrone uses her chains to choke Jubba to death.

Scene 8 – In which Jubba’s barge explodes and the Malaysian Falcon escapes unscathed.

Scene 9 – (The Malaysian Falcon has rendezvoused with the rest of the pirate alliance off of the shores of the Sullustan Islands.)

Admiral Squidmore- Many squidmen died to bring us this information. As you know the Empire is building a new man-of-war named “Tarkin’s Revenge”. Our spies tell us that they are using resources from Skull Island to build it and they have constructed a crude fort on the Island to protect their construction site. If we can take out the fort, we can take out the ship.

“Long Bones” Calrissian- The Imperials have a whole fleet near that fort. How can we possibly attack it?

Squidmore- A small team of guerilla fighters will land on the south side of the island, work their way through the forests, and they will use explosives to destroy the fort. Once the fort is destroyed, the pirate alliance will commence with our massive attack on the Imperial fleet.

Eliza Bloodthrone- (To One Hand) I wonder what suicidal maniac they found to lead that mission.

Squidmore- Captain One Hand, is your assault team ready?

Captain One Hand- Well… we haven’t exactly discussed it yet.

Chewie the Giant- Skull Island is the deadliest hunk of rock on the map. Count me in!

Luke Searider- I’m in too!

Arrr-tooo (from the shoulder of Three Peas)- *Squak* I’m in too *Squack*

Three Peas- I guess that means I’m tagging along

(They all look at Eliza)

Eliza- (she sighs) I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this.

Scene 10 – In which our heroes are kidnapped by viscous island natives who try to cook them over a fire.

Scene 11 – In which Arrr-too, the talking parrot, talks and the natives think that he is a god, so they free the pirates.

Scene 12- In which Eliza Bloodthrone convinces the natives to join them in their fight against the East Imperial Trading Company

Scene 13-

(It is night and Luke Searider is standing alone on a bridge of the native treetop village)

Eliza- Hey there stranger. What are you doing out here all alone?

Luke- I can’t assault the base in the morning.

Eliza- The hell you say!

Luke- It’s my father, Eliza. He’s here.

Eliza- You mean Commodore VonDarth?

Luke- Yes. I have to go to him.

Eliza- No you don’t! He doesn’t care about you. He left abandoned you as a child. He left you to be raised by his step-brother.

Luke- But he regrets those things. What if I can use those emotions against him? If VonDarth is compromised we have a better chance of succeeding in our mission.

Eliza- Is this about the mission or is this about you?

Luke- I have to go Eliza.

Eliza- Fine. But if you leave now, we’re done. We are no longer a thing. You got that?

Luke- Now that the Captain’s back, you don’t need me anyway.

(Eliza storms off in a fury)

Scene 14-

Officer- Commodore VonDarth, this pirate surrendered to us. He says that he is your… your…

VanDarth- My son. Yes. My son is a pirate, unfortunately. Have you come to submit your application to the East Imperial Trading Company, boy?

Luke- My business is with you alone, father.

VanDarth- Just as well, I don’t think they would have you. Well we’d better get going.

Luke- Where are you taking me?

VanDarth- To His Royal Majesty of course. He is very interested in your qualities.

Luke- The King is here?

VanDarth- Aboard Tarkin’s Revenge.

Luke- But it’s still under construction.

VanDarth- So you were lead to believe. The best kind of trap, my boy, is when the teeth are as sharp as the cheese looks. Ho, ho!

Scene 15- In which the Skull Island natives attack the fort, but are ambushed by the King’s best troops.

Scene 16- In which the pirate fleet attack the under-construction Tarkin’s Revenge but Admiral Squidworth realizes that IT’S A TRAP!

Scene 17- In which King Palpatine convince Commadore VanDarth and Luke Searider to fight each other to the death.

Season 18-

(One of the pirate ships blows to pieces)

“Long Bones” Clarissian- That blast came from Tarkin’s Revenge. That thing is operational.

Admiral Squidworth- All ships prepare to retreat!

Long Bones- We won’t get another chance at this Admiral

Squidworth- We have no choice. Our ships can’t repel cannonballs of that magnitude!

Long Bones- One hand will have that fort down, we’ve got to give him more time!

Scene 18-

(Luke and VanDarth are still sword fighting aboard Tarkin’s Revenge)

VanDarth- Captain One Hand has taught you well!

Luke- Someone had to teach me something.

VanDarth- So you joined up with Pirates?

Luke- It was that or thatching roofs, Father. You left me little choice.

VanDarth- You think I had a choice? The King summoned me.

Luke- So you are a slave then? To your king.

VanDarth- You know nothing, my boy.

Scene 19 -In which Captain One-Hand fools the Imperial troops, enters the fort, and blows everything up, but ultimately blows himself up in the process.

Scene 20- In which the pirate fleet is finally able to approach “Tarkin’s Revenge” and invade it.

Scene 21- In which Commodore VanDarth slices the hand off of Luke Searider and the king laughs.

King Palpatine- Good, good! Now finish him and stand by my side as Admiral VanDarth.

Luke- Father. Will you kill your own son? For a promotion?

VanDarth- I have no choice, son.

Luke- Everyone, has a choice father. You still do.

(VanDarth looks to the King)

King Palpatine- Don’t listen to that brat, VanDarth. He is a criminal

Luke- Father. A wise man once said that if you punish men for the crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.

VanDarth- Thomas Moore.

(They approach the King together)

King Palpatine- No! I command you VanDarth. Kill that brat! Kill that brat!

(VanDarth slays the king)

Scene 22- In which the Pirate Fleet starts to turn the “tides” of the battle.

Scene 23- In which Luke narrowly escape Tarkin’s Revenge before it sinks into the drink taking VanDarth with it.

Scene 24- In which the pirates have defeated the Imperial Navy and have a party

Scene 25-

Luke- I can’t believe he’s gone.

Eliza- “One Hand” was a good captain, but not a good man.

Luke- What are you saying?

Eliza- I’m saying that I can’t continue on like this.

Luke- Someone needs to take command of the Malaysian Falcon.

Eliza- Then leave it to Long Bones! I don’t want to do this anymore Luke. I want to settle down.

Luke- But piracy is all I know.

Eliza- But where is it taking you, Luke? Where will you be next week or next month or next year? I’m asking you to abandon it, Luke. I’m asking you to settle down.

Luke- “You wouldn't abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn't control the winds.”

Eliza- Thomas Moore?

Luke- Thomas Moore.

Eliza- Goodbye then, fair pirate. I leave you to your seas.

Luke- Goodbye, fair princess. May you never look back.

Scene 26-

(Captain Luke Searider boards his ship and looks to his crew. They wait for instructions)

Luke- Chewie, pull the anchor, we’re leaving port immediately. Three Peas -organize a cleaning detail - I want every inch of the Falcon spic-and-span and ship-shape! “Long Bones”, set a course!

“Long Bones” – Where to Captain Searider?

Luke- Set your sights on the sky, bosun. Second Star to the right, and straight on till morning.

“Long Bone” – Aye Aye Captain!

Luke- (Smiles up at the sky and starts to sing under his breath) Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, a pirates life for me…

(The orchestra takes over as the Malaysian Falcon sails for uncharted waters.)

ROLL CREDITS

May the 4th Specials

The Road to Episode Infinity

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Return of the Jedi as a Pirate Film

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