The Road to Episode Infinity: The Empire Strikes West

For May the 4^th I reimagined “A New Hope” as a Samurai film (Although it turned into more of an anime film by the end of it). So for Cinco de Mayo I am reimagining “The Empire Strikes Back” as a western, a steampunk western. After all, did steampunk not originate in the “Wild Wild West”?

Gunslinger Wars
Episode V: Escape to Mehico

(A Long Time Ago in the Old West: It is a dark time for the rebellion. The Evil Continental Republic has pursued The Rebellion deep into Indian Territory. Federal Marshal Vader, right hand man to President Palpatine, has dispatched thousands of horseback probes into the far retches of the Frontier)

(Luke “The Kid” Skyrider is riding across a ridge and sees “Quick Draw” Solo far in the valley below him)

Quick-Draw (shouting) – See anything, Kid?

“The Kid”- Nothing alive.

Quick-Draw- There isn’t enough life in this desert to fill a stage coach. Now let’s head in!

“The Kid”- Right behind you. See you back at the fort!

(Luke’s horse seems nervous. He pats her back)

“The Kid” – Hey, steady girl. What’s the matter? Smell something?

(Suddenly a large shadow falls over him. He turns around and is face to face with a giant reptile with spikes running down its back. It is a chupacabra. The chupacabra kills Luke’s horse and drags him off into the desert)

Scene 2

(Quick Draw Solo is back at the fort and talking to Lady Organa, one of the rebel leaders)

“Quick Draw” – Well, your highness, I guess this is it

Lady Organa- I thought you decided to stay

“Quick Draw”- Well that bounty hunter we ran into back on Deadlake changed my mind.

Lady Organa- Hans, we need you!

“Quick Draw”- We need? What about you need?

(They are interrupted by Doc Threep and his short robotic rolling medical unit, Roundy)

Doc Threep – Sir, I have a message from General Rieekan inquiring about the whereabouts of Luke Skyrider.

“Quick Draw”- I don’t know where he is.

Doc Threep- Nobody knows where he is

“Quick Draw”- What do you mean, nobody knows?

Scene 3

(“The Kid” hangs tied-up and upside down in a cave. He has been captured by the chupacabra. In the far end of the cave he sees his revolver but cannot reach it. The chupacabra is coming closer. “The Kid” tries to untie the ropes but can’t break free. The chupacabra reaches out to attack when “The Kid” pulls himself up to his boot and takes out a knife. He slashes at the creature, then cuts himself free of the ropes and stumbles out into the desert night)

(“The Kid” lays collapsed under the desert sky when suddenly there is a voice).

Old Ben- Luke!

“The Kid”- Ben?

Old Ben- You must go to Dagger Swamp.

“The Kid” – Dagger Swamp?

Old Ben- There you will learn from José Joda the Pistolero who instructed me.

“The Kid” – Ben!

(He feints)

Scene 4

(“Quick-Draw” Solo and his Indian sidekick Crazy-Bear are riding across the desert searching for “The Kid”. Crazy Bear sees something in the distance and signals to Solo. They hide behind a rock)

Quick Draw- You’re right, Crazy. It’s one of those Robot Riders Marshal Vader dispatched. We’ll have to take it out. You stay here. I’ll try and outflank it.

(As Quick Draw is sneaking through some vegetation the Horseback Probe spots him and gallop towards him, whilst firing its pistol. Quick Draw fires back and the rider’s metal horse tumbles to the ground. The rider picks itself off the ground and continues shooting at Solo. Solo fires back but the bullets bounce off the rider. As all hope seems lost the rider falls down dead with an arrow in his neck. Crazy Bear steps out from behind the rock with his crossbow in hand).

Quick-Draw- Well, It’s a good bet The Republic knows we’re here.

(Crazy Bear points into the distance. Quick Draw takes out his binoculars to look across the desert)

Quick-Draw- It’s Luke!

Scene 5

Doc Threep – He’s a little scraped up, but I believe that Roundy and I have him feeling fully functional.

Quick Draw- You don’t look so bad to me. In fact, you look strong enough to pull the horns off a bull-cow!

“The Kid” – Thanks to you.

Quick Draw- That’s two you owe me, junior.

Lady Organa- Luke, Hans, quick. Lookout has spotted something in the distance to the North.

Quick Draw- The Republic? Already?

(On the top of the fort “The Kid” and “Quick Draw” take out their binoculars)

“Quick Draw” – Whatever they are. They are big.

Lady Organa- We’ve counted at least twelve of them.

“The Kid”- I think… I think they’re metal.

“Quick Draw”- Spiders.

Lady Organa- What?

“Quick Draw”- It’s the republic’s robotics program that we heard about back in Dodge City. Rumors were that they were building spiders. Giant. Metal. Spiders.

Lady Organa- We’d better start the evacuation

Scene 6- In which “The Kid” and several rebels on horseback attempt to slow down the spiders as the rest of the rebellion try to Mexico.

Scene 7- In which “Quick Draw” Solo tries to get Lady Organa to her coach, but when a spider starts the fort on fire he has to take her out on his horse “Falcon” instead.

Scene 8- In which Federal Marshall Vader enters the burning fort and barely misses capturing Doc Threep, Crazy-Bear, Quick Draw, Lady Organa as they escape on horseback. He pursues them.

Scene 9-

Lady Organa- What are you doing? You’re not actually going into Stone-Fall Canyon?

Quick Draw- They’d be crazy to follow us!

Doc Threep- Sir, Stone-Fall Canyon is subject to falling rocks, poisonous snakes, and acid pools. Few men have entered and lived to tell the tale.

Quick-Draw- Never tell me the odds!

(Quick Draw leads his company into the canyon and Vader and his posse follows)

Scene 10-

“The Kid” - Well Roundy, this is it, Dagger Swamp

(Roundy lets out a beep)

“The Kid”- Yes, I’m sure it’s perfectly safe for nursing robots. Still… there’s something familiar about this place. I feel like… I don’t know…

Strange voice- Feel like what?

(Luke whips his revolver around and see’s a short little dwarf man in a sombrero)

“The Kid”- Like we’re being watched.

Dwarf- Away with your weapon. I mean you no harm.

“The Kid” – I don’t think so, shorty. Why don’t you raise your hands… slowly.

(Suddenly the dwarf draws two pistols and fires. Luke’s gun flies out of his hand and the dwarf spins his pistols back into his pockets)

Dwarf- Now what were you were saying?

“The Kid”- José Joda!

Scene 11- In which “Quick Draw” and his company barely escape the dangers of Stone-Fall canyon including the falling stones, the acid pits, and the R.O.U.Ses. Some of Vader’s horsemen are killed however.

Scene 12- In which Federal Marshall Vader must ride out of the canyon in order to establish better radio communication with President Palpatine

Scene 13- In which Officer Piett “doesn’t need” the kind of scum that Marshall Vader has hired and a bounty hunter named Robert “Bubu” Ford emerges as the frontrunner for the “Wanted Alive” job.

Scene 14-

José Joda- Remember a pistolero does not aim with his hand, he aims with his eye. He does not shoot with his hand, he shoots with his mind. He does not kill with his gun, he kills with his heart.

(“The Kid” tries to shoot the can in the distance, but misses)

José Joda- No! No! No! You have no patience, like your father.

“The Kid”- My father was a great gunslinger! A warrior!

José Joda- Hah! Wars don’t make one great, they make one dead! Your father is gone, boy. Your uncle is gone. Ben O’Kenneth is gone. You are stuck with me. Now, go set up that can!

(“The Kid” rolls his eyes and goes to pick up the can. He sets it back on the rock)

José Joda- No. Not there. The other rock. In the distance.

(“The Kid” places it on the rock on out in the distance and comes back)

“The Kid”- But that’s one-hundred yards

José Joda- Distance matters not.

“The Kid”- Master Joda, I can barely see the can from out here. How can I shoot it?

José Joda- You don’t need to see it with your eye. See it in your mind’s eye. You placed the can on the rock. You know where it is. Now fire!

(Luke fires but misses)

“The Kid”- You ask the impossible

(José Joda raises his gun and fired. A plink is heard in the distance)

“The Kid” – I don’t believe it!

José Joda- That is why you fail.

Scene 15-

(“Quick Draw”, Lady Organa, Crazy-Bear, and Doc Threep have made it through the canyon and safely to Tiajuanna. They are sitting in a Cantina)

Lady Organa- Hans, I don’t like this. Vader’s got every thug in the territories searching for us. It’s not going to be long until someone recognizes us.

Quick Draw- Relax, sweet heart, we aren’t in the territories anymore. This is Mehico. No one knows us here.

Voice- Well if it isn’t “Quick Draw” Solo. You’ve got a lot of guts stepping into this joint, after what you pulled?

(Quick Draw turns around slowly)

Quick Draw- Lando? Lando Calvins?

Lando- How you doing, you old pirate?

Quick Draw- What are you doing here?

Lando- Me? I happen to own this establishment. The real question is “What are you doing here?”

Scene 16- In which Luke finds a wanted poster that has been dropped from the sky by a Propaganda Zeplin. There is a large bounty on the heads of his friends and he leaves his training early despite pleadings from José Joda

Scene 17- In which Quick Draw finds out that the Continental Republic arrived just before he did.

Scene 18- In which Doc Threep loses all his appendages to flying metal razor blades and is also decapitated.

Scene 19- In which “Quick Draw” is lowered into the tar pits but kept alive with Vader’s new suspended animation technology. He is given to “Bubu” Ford as a prize to take to the crime lord, “Honda the Jap”.

Scene 20- In which “The Kid” arrives in town and challenges Marshall Vader to a duel at high noon. Vader accepts.

Scene 21-

Lando Calvins- Alright, you know the stakes, the last man standing keeps Lady Organa as a prize.

Lady Organa – Don’t do it, Luke!

(“The Kid” ignores her)

Lando - You will each count off twenty paces, then you’ll turn and shoot.

Vader- Make it fifty paces.

“The Kid”- No…. One hundred paces.

(The crowd is astonished).

Vader- Fine.

Lando- Alright… here we go.

(The crowd counts the paces. Ten. Then Twenty. Forty. Seventy. One Hundred)

Lando- Draw!

(There are two shots. Luke falls to the ground. He has taken a bullet through the leg. Luke grabs at it. Vader walks up to him. Luke reaches for his gun but Vader shoots his hand. Luke screams and grabs at it)

“The Kid”- My leg. You shot my leg. Why?

Vader- Old Ben never told you what happened to your father.

“The Kid”- He told me enough. He told me you killed him.

Vader- No. I am your father.

“The Kid”- No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!

Lando – (Turns to his number two, an android and whispers) now.

(The androids eyes start to flicker like a mirror reflecting the sun. Suddenly gunmen appear from the second story windows of the towns buildings. They start to shoot the Republic riders. The shootout begins! Lando rushes to untie Lady Organa)

Lady Organa- What do you think you’re doing?

Lando- We’re getting out of here!

Lady Organa- Do you think after what you did to Hans that we are going to trust you?

Lando- There’s still a chance to catch up to that bounty hunter. The train leaves in ten minutes, at the East platform, now let’s get going!

Lady Organa- Crazy-Bear! Grab Luke!

(Crazy Bear sprints into the town square, which has turned into a battlefield. There is gunfire everywhere. Vader and Luke have taken cover behind a horse trough)

Vader- Luke! Together we can overthrow President Palpatine. We could unite the territories! We could rule this great nation as father and son!

“The Kid”- I’ll never join you!

(Suddenly Crazy Bear jumps over the trough. Vader raises his gun, but Crazy Bear kicks it away. Crazy Bear takes his crossbow, shoots a quiver into Vader’s chest, picks up Luke, puts him over his shoulder, and runs the other direction. Vader Grabs at his chest and breaks off the shaft of the arrow)

Vader- No! Luke! Son! Come Back! Son!

Scene 22

(Organa and Lando have arrived at the east platform. The train is leaving. They jump on the caboose)

Lando- Cargo is stored in the seventh car. I’ll climb on top and make my way to it.

Organa- I’m coming with you!

(They make their way over the first few cars when there is gunfire behind them. It is “Bubu” Ford. They drop low, but he jetpacks to the car they are laying on. There is a scuffle and Lando is knocked off of the train. Leia looks up at Bubu)

Bubu- A lady like yourself should keep your feet on the ground instead of risking your neck for some pirate.

Organa- I love him!

Bubu- I know (he kicks her off of the train)

Scene 23

(Lady Organa, “The Kid”, Lando, Crazy Bear, and Shorty have reunited. Luke is now wearing a silver hand. They are on a high cliff, looking into the Valley below)

Lando- The Mayan Valley, homeland of Honda the Jap.

Lady Organa- We’re way off the map.

“The Kid”- We’ll find Hans, my lady, I promise.

Lando- Let’s go pilgrims! Yee haw!

(Roll Credits)

Well… That was long… I guess I got a little carried away. There are so many good lines from ESB and I wanted to capture every moment. I am totally unsatisfied that this film will never exist on screen! Actually, now that Disney has the reins, anything is possible. Tomorrow for “Revenge of the Sixth”, I will turn “Return of the Jedi” into a Pirate Movie. See you then!

May the 4th Specials

The Road to Episode Infinity

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Empire Strikes West

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