The Road to Episode Infinity: May 2015

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Return of the Jedi as a Pirate Film

Bone Wars
Episode VI: Return to Skull Island

Luke Searaider has arrived in the port of Hong Kong to rescue his friend Captain One-Hand from the opium lord, Jubba the Hung. Little does Luke know that the East Imperial Trading Company has began construction of a new giant man-of-war called “Tarkin’s Revenge” off the coast of Skull Island. This ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of pirates struggling to restore free trade to the seas…

(The pirate cook Three Peas O’Brian is moving through the crowded streets of Hong Kong with his parrot Arrr-too)

Arrr-too – Squack

Three Peas- Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. “Long Bones” Calrissian and Chewie the Giant never returned from this awful place. Are you sure this is the right place Arr-too? A bad feeling have I.

(A tall gangster -Bo Fortunes- answers the door)

Bo- What you want, gold hair?

Three Peas- I’ve come to purchase opium, sir.

Bo- You want opium, you go to street dealer.

Three Peas- You don’t understand, good sir. I need to fill a ship.

Bo- Heh! You’ll never get out of Hong Kong harbor with a ship full of opium. The East Imperial Trading Company catch you!

Three Peas- Well it’s a good thing we are sailing west.

Bo- I see. Come in.

Scene 2

Jubba- What makes you think that you can sneak a ship full of opium out of Hong Kong?

Three Peas- I have a fast ship and a fast crew and an excellent captain.

Jubba- So you have said. But what is the name of this captain? Surely I would have heard of him.

Three Peas- Of course. His name is Captain One Hand of the Malaysain Falcoln.

(There is an uproar from the Opium Den)

Jubba- Ho ho ho ho! Funny little pirate. Captain One Hand has become my permanent decoration.

(A wall rotates and we see Captain One Hand is chained to it. He is thin, bony, and looks half dead. The palace erupts in laughter)

Three Peas- Ah, yes. But since the old Captain One Hand was taken into your custody a new Captain One Hand has taken his place. One former, Luke Searider.

Jubba- Luke Searider is only a boy. He’s no captain. I grow tired of this farce. Guards take this scallywag to the scullery and put him to work.

Scene 3

(Late that night Arrr-too flies from Jubba’s opium den back to the Malaysian Falcoln. He lands on Luke Searider and places a key in his hand)

Luke- Good boy!

Scene 4

(Eliza Bloodthrone enters Jubba’s den. She has Chewie the Giant in chains)

Eliza- I have come to claim bounty on this giant

Jubba- Ho, ho, ho, ho! You can’t fool me, wench. You are Eliza Bloodthrone, Heir to the Island of Atlantis, which the Empire destroyed. It was assaulted by so many cannonballs that it is said the entire island sunk into the drink. Your people have drowned and you are a princess no longer.

Eliza- Are you going to give me my reward or not?

Jubba- You are part of the crew of the Malaysian Falcon. Captain One Hand is your lover. Why would you betray his first mate?

Eliza- I suggest that you take the bounty, Jubba.

Jubba- And why is that?

Eliza- Because I am holding a stick of dynamite.

(There is an uproar from the opium den)

Jubba- Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho! You expect me to be afraid of one stick of dynamite. It isn’t even lit!

(Luke Searider’s voice comes from above, high in the rafters. He is holding a torch)

Luke- There is plenty more where that came from! Your floor boards are lined with the Jubba. Now you will release Captain One Hand to me or we will all die in flame.

Jubba- How did you get here? Guards, kill him!

(The guards move for their weapons. There is an explosion from the kitchen)

Luke- I’m not fooling around Jubba. This is your last chance!

Jubba- Alright. Guards. Lower your weapons. It appears we have a Pekinese stand off. Let us parley, boy. You want me to release the captain to you and I don’t want to die- but if I hand you the captain and let you walk free, how can you guarantee me that you don’t blow me up anyway?

Luke- Simple. You walk out of here. Right now. You leave… then we leave.

Jubba- Alright. Fine. We leave. But what do I get out of this trade?

Eliza- This is no trade you overgrown tub of lard! This is a death threat!

Jubba- Yes, I see. Since I don’t want to die, I give you what you want. There’s only one problem my sweet princess. You see, I know that you don’t want to die either and that you don’t want him to die. And maybe you value his life even more than I value my own.

Luke- What do you want, Jubba?

Jubba- A fair trade!

Luke- What trade?

Jubba- I want the girl. The girl comes with me and my men. You get your captain back. I leave…. Then you leave.

Luke- It’s not happening, Jubba!

Jubba- It’s a fair trade. One double-crossing low-life pirate captain for the princess of a sunken world.

Eliza- I’ll do it!

Luke- Eliza, no!

Eliza- It’s the only way to save him, Luke. I’m sorry.

(She surrenders himself to Jubba)

Scene 5

Bo- Where are you going master?

Jubba- To my junk barge. We’re getting out of here. Tell the bosun to ready the crew for Singapore.

Scene 6 – In which the Malaysian Falcon chases down Jubba’s Junk Barge and his battle skiffs and a fight ensues. Jubba summons his “pet” kraken which eats all the poor souls that happen to fall into the ocean during the skirmish.

Scene 7- In which Eliza Bloodthrone uses her chains to choke Jubba to death.

Scene 8 – In which Jubba’s barge explodes and the Malaysian Falcon escapes unscathed.

Scene 9 – (The Malaysian Falcon has rendezvoused with the rest of the pirate alliance off of the shores of the Sullustan Islands.)

Admiral Squidmore- Many squidmen died to bring us this information. As you know the Empire is building a new man-of-war named “Tarkin’s Revenge”. Our spies tell us that they are using resources from Skull Island to build it and they have constructed a crude fort on the Island to protect their construction site. If we can take out the fort, we can take out the ship.

“Long Bones” Calrissian- The Imperials have a whole fleet near that fort. How can we possibly attack it?

Squidmore- A small team of guerilla fighters will land on the south side of the island, work their way through the forests, and they will use explosives to destroy the fort. Once the fort is destroyed, the pirate alliance will commence with our massive attack on the Imperial fleet.

Eliza Bloodthrone- (To One Hand) I wonder what suicidal maniac they found to lead that mission.

Squidmore- Captain One Hand, is your assault team ready?

Captain One Hand- Well… we haven’t exactly discussed it yet.

Chewie the Giant- Skull Island is the deadliest hunk of rock on the map. Count me in!

Luke Searider- I’m in too!

Arrr-tooo (from the shoulder of Three Peas)- *Squak* I’m in too *Squack*

Three Peas- I guess that means I’m tagging along

(They all look at Eliza)

Eliza- (she sighs) I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this.

Scene 10 – In which our heroes are kidnapped by viscous island natives who try to cook them over a fire.

Scene 11 – In which Arrr-too, the talking parrot, talks and the natives think that he is a god, so they free the pirates.

Scene 12- In which Eliza Bloodthrone convinces the natives to join them in their fight against the East Imperial Trading Company

Scene 13-

(It is night and Luke Searider is standing alone on a bridge of the native treetop village)

Eliza- Hey there stranger. What are you doing out here all alone?

Luke- I can’t assault the base in the morning.

Eliza- The hell you say!

Luke- It’s my father, Eliza. He’s here.

Eliza- You mean Commodore VonDarth?

Luke- Yes. I have to go to him.

Eliza- No you don’t! He doesn’t care about you. He left abandoned you as a child. He left you to be raised by his step-brother.

Luke- But he regrets those things. What if I can use those emotions against him? If VonDarth is compromised we have a better chance of succeeding in our mission.

Eliza- Is this about the mission or is this about you?

Luke- I have to go Eliza.

Eliza- Fine. But if you leave now, we’re done. We are no longer a thing. You got that?

Luke- Now that the Captain’s back, you don’t need me anyway.

(Eliza storms off in a fury)

Scene 14-

Officer- Commodore VonDarth, this pirate surrendered to us. He says that he is your… your…

VanDarth- My son. Yes. My son is a pirate, unfortunately. Have you come to submit your application to the East Imperial Trading Company, boy?

Luke- My business is with you alone, father.

VanDarth- Just as well, I don’t think they would have you. Well we’d better get going.

Luke- Where are you taking me?

VanDarth- To His Royal Majesty of course. He is very interested in your qualities.

Luke- The King is here?

VanDarth- Aboard Tarkin’s Revenge.

Luke- But it’s still under construction.

VanDarth- So you were lead to believe. The best kind of trap, my boy, is when the teeth are as sharp as the cheese looks. Ho, ho!

Scene 15- In which the Skull Island natives attack the fort, but are ambushed by the King’s best troops.

Scene 16- In which the pirate fleet attack the under-construction Tarkin’s Revenge but Admiral Squidworth realizes that IT’S A TRAP!

Scene 17- In which King Palpatine convince Commadore VanDarth and Luke Searider to fight each other to the death.

Season 18-

(One of the pirate ships blows to pieces)

“Long Bones” Clarissian- That blast came from Tarkin’s Revenge. That thing is operational.

Admiral Squidworth- All ships prepare to retreat!

Long Bones- We won’t get another chance at this Admiral

Squidworth- We have no choice. Our ships can’t repel cannonballs of that magnitude!

Long Bones- One hand will have that fort down, we’ve got to give him more time!

Scene 18-

(Luke and VanDarth are still sword fighting aboard Tarkin’s Revenge)

VanDarth- Captain One Hand has taught you well!

Luke- Someone had to teach me something.

VanDarth- So you joined up with Pirates?

Luke- It was that or thatching roofs, Father. You left me little choice.

VanDarth- You think I had a choice? The King summoned me.

Luke- So you are a slave then? To your king.

VanDarth- You know nothing, my boy.

Scene 19 -In which Captain One-Hand fools the Imperial troops, enters the fort, and blows everything up, but ultimately blows himself up in the process.

Scene 20- In which the pirate fleet is finally able to approach “Tarkin’s Revenge” and invade it.

Scene 21- In which Commodore VanDarth slices the hand off of Luke Searider and the king laughs.

King Palpatine- Good, good! Now finish him and stand by my side as Admiral VanDarth.

Luke- Father. Will you kill your own son? For a promotion?

VanDarth- I have no choice, son.

Luke- Everyone, has a choice father. You still do.

(VanDarth looks to the King)

King Palpatine- Don’t listen to that brat, VanDarth. He is a criminal

Luke- Father. A wise man once said that if you punish men for the crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.

VanDarth- Thomas Moore.

(They approach the King together)

King Palpatine- No! I command you VanDarth. Kill that brat! Kill that brat!

(VanDarth slays the king)

Scene 22- In which the Pirate Fleet starts to turn the “tides” of the battle.

Scene 23- In which Luke narrowly escape Tarkin’s Revenge before it sinks into the drink taking VanDarth with it.

Scene 24- In which the pirates have defeated the Imperial Navy and have a party

Scene 25-

Luke- I can’t believe he’s gone.

Eliza- “One Hand” was a good captain, but not a good man.

Luke- What are you saying?

Eliza- I’m saying that I can’t continue on like this.

Luke- Someone needs to take command of the Malaysian Falcon.

Eliza- Then leave it to Long Bones! I don’t want to do this anymore Luke. I want to settle down.

Luke- But piracy is all I know.

Eliza- But where is it taking you, Luke? Where will you be next week or next month or next year? I’m asking you to abandon it, Luke. I’m asking you to settle down.

Luke- “You wouldn't abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn't control the winds.”

Eliza- Thomas Moore?

Luke- Thomas Moore.

Eliza- Goodbye then, fair pirate. I leave you to your seas.

Luke- Goodbye, fair princess. May you never look back.

Scene 26-

(Captain Luke Searider boards his ship and looks to his crew. They wait for instructions)

Luke- Chewie, pull the anchor, we’re leaving port immediately. Three Peas -organize a cleaning detail - I want every inch of the Falcon spic-and-span and ship-shape! “Long Bones”, set a course!

“Long Bones” – Where to Captain Searider?

Luke- Set your sights on the sky, bosun. Second Star to the right, and straight on till morning.

“Long Bone” – Aye Aye Captain!

Luke- (Smiles up at the sky and starts to sing under his breath) Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, a pirates life for me…

(The orchestra takes over as the Malaysian Falcon sails for uncharted waters.)

ROLL CREDITS

May the 4th Specials

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Empire Strikes West

For May the 4^th I reimagined “A New Hope” as a Samurai film (Although it turned into more of an anime film by the end of it). So for Cinco de Mayo I am reimagining “The Empire Strikes Back” as a western, a steampunk western. After all, did steampunk not originate in the “Wild Wild West”?

Gunslinger Wars
Episode V: Escape to Mehico

(A Long Time Ago in the Old West: It is a dark time for the rebellion. The Evil Continental Republic has pursued The Rebellion deep into Indian Territory. Federal Marshal Vader, right hand man to President Palpatine, has dispatched thousands of horseback probes into the far retches of the Frontier)

(Luke “The Kid” Skyrider is riding across a ridge and sees “Quick Draw” Solo far in the valley below him)

Quick-Draw (shouting) – See anything, Kid?

“The Kid”- Nothing alive.

Quick-Draw- There isn’t enough life in this desert to fill a stage coach. Now let’s head in!

“The Kid”- Right behind you. See you back at the fort!

(Luke’s horse seems nervous. He pats her back)

“The Kid” – Hey, steady girl. What’s the matter? Smell something?

(Suddenly a large shadow falls over him. He turns around and is face to face with a giant reptile with spikes running down its back. It is a chupacabra. The chupacabra kills Luke’s horse and drags him off into the desert)

Scene 2

(Quick Draw Solo is back at the fort and talking to Lady Organa, one of the rebel leaders)

“Quick Draw” – Well, your highness, I guess this is it

Lady Organa- I thought you decided to stay

“Quick Draw”- Well that bounty hunter we ran into back on Deadlake changed my mind.

Lady Organa- Hans, we need you!

“Quick Draw”- We need? What about you need?

(They are interrupted by Doc Threep and his short robotic rolling medical unit, Roundy)

Doc Threep – Sir, I have a message from General Rieekan inquiring about the whereabouts of Luke Skyrider.

“Quick Draw”- I don’t know where he is.

Doc Threep- Nobody knows where he is

“Quick Draw”- What do you mean, nobody knows?

Scene 3

(“The Kid” hangs tied-up and upside down in a cave. He has been captured by the chupacabra. In the far end of the cave he sees his revolver but cannot reach it. The chupacabra is coming closer. “The Kid” tries to untie the ropes but can’t break free. The chupacabra reaches out to attack when “The Kid” pulls himself up to his boot and takes out a knife. He slashes at the creature, then cuts himself free of the ropes and stumbles out into the desert night)

(“The Kid” lays collapsed under the desert sky when suddenly there is a voice).

Old Ben- Luke!

“The Kid”- Ben?

Old Ben- You must go to Dagger Swamp.

“The Kid” – Dagger Swamp?

Old Ben- There you will learn from José Joda the Pistolero who instructed me.

“The Kid” – Ben!

(He feints)

Scene 4

(“Quick-Draw” Solo and his Indian sidekick Crazy-Bear are riding across the desert searching for “The Kid”. Crazy Bear sees something in the distance and signals to Solo. They hide behind a rock)

Quick Draw- You’re right, Crazy. It’s one of those Robot Riders Marshal Vader dispatched. We’ll have to take it out. You stay here. I’ll try and outflank it.

(As Quick Draw is sneaking through some vegetation the Horseback Probe spots him and gallop towards him, whilst firing its pistol. Quick Draw fires back and the rider’s metal horse tumbles to the ground. The rider picks itself off the ground and continues shooting at Solo. Solo fires back but the bullets bounce off the rider. As all hope seems lost the rider falls down dead with an arrow in his neck. Crazy Bear steps out from behind the rock with his crossbow in hand).

Quick-Draw- Well, It’s a good bet The Republic knows we’re here.

(Crazy Bear points into the distance. Quick Draw takes out his binoculars to look across the desert)

Quick-Draw- It’s Luke!

Scene 5

Doc Threep – He’s a little scraped up, but I believe that Roundy and I have him feeling fully functional.

Quick Draw- You don’t look so bad to me. In fact, you look strong enough to pull the horns off a bull-cow!

“The Kid” – Thanks to you.

Quick Draw- That’s two you owe me, junior.

Lady Organa- Luke, Hans, quick. Lookout has spotted something in the distance to the North.

Quick Draw- The Republic? Already?

(On the top of the fort “The Kid” and “Quick Draw” take out their binoculars)

“Quick Draw” – Whatever they are. They are big.

Lady Organa- We’ve counted at least twelve of them.

“The Kid”- I think… I think they’re metal.

“Quick Draw”- Spiders.

Lady Organa- What?

“Quick Draw”- It’s the republic’s robotics program that we heard about back in Dodge City. Rumors were that they were building spiders. Giant. Metal. Spiders.

Lady Organa- We’d better start the evacuation

Scene 6- In which “The Kid” and several rebels on horseback attempt to slow down the spiders as the rest of the rebellion try to Mexico.

Scene 7- In which “Quick Draw” Solo tries to get Lady Organa to her coach, but when a spider starts the fort on fire he has to take her out on his horse “Falcon” instead.

Scene 8- In which Federal Marshall Vader enters the burning fort and barely misses capturing Doc Threep, Crazy-Bear, Quick Draw, Lady Organa as they escape on horseback. He pursues them.

Scene 9-

Lady Organa- What are you doing? You’re not actually going into Stone-Fall Canyon?

Quick Draw- They’d be crazy to follow us!

Doc Threep- Sir, Stone-Fall Canyon is subject to falling rocks, poisonous snakes, and acid pools. Few men have entered and lived to tell the tale.

Quick-Draw- Never tell me the odds!

(Quick Draw leads his company into the canyon and Vader and his posse follows)

Scene 10-

“The Kid” - Well Roundy, this is it, Dagger Swamp

(Roundy lets out a beep)

“The Kid”- Yes, I’m sure it’s perfectly safe for nursing robots. Still… there’s something familiar about this place. I feel like… I don’t know…

Strange voice- Feel like what?

(Luke whips his revolver around and see’s a short little dwarf man in a sombrero)

“The Kid”- Like we’re being watched.

Dwarf- Away with your weapon. I mean you no harm.

“The Kid” – I don’t think so, shorty. Why don’t you raise your hands… slowly.

(Suddenly the dwarf draws two pistols and fires. Luke’s gun flies out of his hand and the dwarf spins his pistols back into his pockets)

Dwarf- Now what were you were saying?

“The Kid”- José Joda!

Scene 11- In which “Quick Draw” and his company barely escape the dangers of Stone-Fall canyon including the falling stones, the acid pits, and the R.O.U.Ses. Some of Vader’s horsemen are killed however.

Scene 12- In which Federal Marshall Vader must ride out of the canyon in order to establish better radio communication with President Palpatine

Scene 13- In which Officer Piett “doesn’t need” the kind of scum that Marshall Vader has hired and a bounty hunter named Robert “Bubu” Ford emerges as the frontrunner for the “Wanted Alive” job.

Scene 14-

José Joda- Remember a pistolero does not aim with his hand, he aims with his eye. He does not shoot with his hand, he shoots with his mind. He does not kill with his gun, he kills with his heart.

(“The Kid” tries to shoot the can in the distance, but misses)

José Joda- No! No! No! You have no patience, like your father.

“The Kid”- My father was a great gunslinger! A warrior!

José Joda- Hah! Wars don’t make one great, they make one dead! Your father is gone, boy. Your uncle is gone. Ben O’Kenneth is gone. You are stuck with me. Now, go set up that can!

(“The Kid” rolls his eyes and goes to pick up the can. He sets it back on the rock)

José Joda- No. Not there. The other rock. In the distance.

(“The Kid” places it on the rock on out in the distance and comes back)

“The Kid”- But that’s one-hundred yards

José Joda- Distance matters not.

“The Kid”- Master Joda, I can barely see the can from out here. How can I shoot it?

José Joda- You don’t need to see it with your eye. See it in your mind’s eye. You placed the can on the rock. You know where it is. Now fire!

(Luke fires but misses)

“The Kid”- You ask the impossible

(José Joda raises his gun and fired. A plink is heard in the distance)

“The Kid” – I don’t believe it!

José Joda- That is why you fail.

Scene 15-

(“Quick Draw”, Lady Organa, Crazy-Bear, and Doc Threep have made it through the canyon and safely to Tiajuanna. They are sitting in a Cantina)

Lady Organa- Hans, I don’t like this. Vader’s got every thug in the territories searching for us. It’s not going to be long until someone recognizes us.

Quick Draw- Relax, sweet heart, we aren’t in the territories anymore. This is Mehico. No one knows us here.

Voice- Well if it isn’t “Quick Draw” Solo. You’ve got a lot of guts stepping into this joint, after what you pulled?

(Quick Draw turns around slowly)

Quick Draw- Lando? Lando Calvins?

Lando- How you doing, you old pirate?

Quick Draw- What are you doing here?

Lando- Me? I happen to own this establishment. The real question is “What are you doing here?”

Scene 16- In which Luke finds a wanted poster that has been dropped from the sky by a Propaganda Zeplin. There is a large bounty on the heads of his friends and he leaves his training early despite pleadings from José Joda

Scene 17- In which Quick Draw finds out that the Continental Republic arrived just before he did.

Scene 18- In which Doc Threep loses all his appendages to flying metal razor blades and is also decapitated.

Scene 19- In which “Quick Draw” is lowered into the tar pits but kept alive with Vader’s new suspended animation technology. He is given to “Bubu” Ford as a prize to take to the crime lord, “Honda the Jap”.

Scene 20- In which “The Kid” arrives in town and challenges Marshall Vader to a duel at high noon. Vader accepts.

Scene 21-

Lando Calvins- Alright, you know the stakes, the last man standing keeps Lady Organa as a prize.

Lady Organa – Don’t do it, Luke!

(“The Kid” ignores her)

Lando - You will each count off twenty paces, then you’ll turn and shoot.

Vader- Make it fifty paces.

“The Kid”- No…. One hundred paces.

(The crowd is astonished).

Vader- Fine.

Lando- Alright… here we go.

(The crowd counts the paces. Ten. Then Twenty. Forty. Seventy. One Hundred)

Lando- Draw!

(There are two shots. Luke falls to the ground. He has taken a bullet through the leg. Luke grabs at it. Vader walks up to him. Luke reaches for his gun but Vader shoots his hand. Luke screams and grabs at it)

“The Kid”- My leg. You shot my leg. Why?

Vader- Old Ben never told you what happened to your father.

“The Kid”- He told me enough. He told me you killed him.

Vader- No. I am your father.

“The Kid”- No! That’s not true! That’s impossible!

Lando – (Turns to his number two, an android and whispers) now.

(The androids eyes start to flicker like a mirror reflecting the sun. Suddenly gunmen appear from the second story windows of the towns buildings. They start to shoot the Republic riders. The shootout begins! Lando rushes to untie Lady Organa)

Lady Organa- What do you think you’re doing?

Lando- We’re getting out of here!

Lady Organa- Do you think after what you did to Hans that we are going to trust you?

Lando- There’s still a chance to catch up to that bounty hunter. The train leaves in ten minutes, at the East platform, now let’s get going!

Lady Organa- Crazy-Bear! Grab Luke!

(Crazy Bear sprints into the town square, which has turned into a battlefield. There is gunfire everywhere. Vader and Luke have taken cover behind a horse trough)

Vader- Luke! Together we can overthrow President Palpatine. We could unite the territories! We could rule this great nation as father and son!

“The Kid”- I’ll never join you!

(Suddenly Crazy Bear jumps over the trough. Vader raises his gun, but Crazy Bear kicks it away. Crazy Bear takes his crossbow, shoots a quiver into Vader’s chest, picks up Luke, puts him over his shoulder, and runs the other direction. Vader Grabs at his chest and breaks off the shaft of the arrow)

Vader- No! Luke! Son! Come Back! Son!

Scene 22

(Organa and Lando have arrived at the east platform. The train is leaving. They jump on the caboose)

Lando- Cargo is stored in the seventh car. I’ll climb on top and make my way to it.

Organa- I’m coming with you!

(They make their way over the first few cars when there is gunfire behind them. It is “Bubu” Ford. They drop low, but he jetpacks to the car they are laying on. There is a scuffle and Lando is knocked off of the train. Leia looks up at Bubu)

Bubu- A lady like yourself should keep your feet on the ground instead of risking your neck for some pirate.

Organa- I love him!

Bubu- I know (he kicks her off of the train)

Scene 23

(Lady Organa, “The Kid”, Lando, Crazy Bear, and Shorty have reunited. Luke is now wearing a silver hand. They are on a high cliff, looking into the Valley below)

Lando- The Mayan Valley, homeland of Honda the Jap.

Lady Organa- We’re way off the map.

“The Kid”- We’ll find Hans, my lady, I promise.

Lando- Let’s go pilgrims! Yee haw!

(Roll Credits)

Well… That was long… I guess I got a little carried away. There are so many good lines from ESB and I wanted to capture every moment. I am totally unsatisfied that this film will never exist on screen! Actually, now that Disney has the reins, anything is possible. Tomorrow for “Revenge of the Sixth”, I will turn “Return of the Jedi” into a Pirate Movie. See you then!

May the 4th Specials