The Road to Episode Infinity: 2015

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Star Wars Eve

Time is a funny thing, isn’t it?

One moment you think that there won’t be another Star Wars film in your lifetime, the next moment Lucas sells Star Wars to Disney, a moment later J.J. is attached to direct and then suddenly… here we are, on Star Wars eve.

And we need to enjoy this moment. We need to enjoy the day that “The Force Awakens” releases. We will never see its like again.

I saw a girl dressed as Ben Kenobi for Halloween this year. Not “Obi-Wan Kenboi”, mind you, but Ben Kenobi as portrayed by Alec Guinness. I leaned over to my wife and told her, “This is the last year you will ever see a little girl dressed as Ben Kenobi.

This isn’t because we are getting a new trilogy. It’s because we are getting multiple new trilogies and multiple spin-off films in our life time. Future generations will forget about the originals. I mean, really, when is the last time you watched “Dr. No”.

Time moves on. Generations move on. Films are forgotten. New things, if it’s good enough, (especially if they are great) can make old things obsolete.

The original Star Wars movie is getting old. Some might even call it “Middle Aged”. Even to the eyes of the fans it begins to lose it’s charm. Let’s admit it, we are looking forward to “The Force Awakens” because we are yearning for a modern Star Wars film.

The fans will soon get what they want. What they have always wanted since “Return of the Jedi”. Even if you loved the prequels… what the fans have always wanted are the continued adventures of Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie. And here we are, 32 years later, getting what we’ve wanted- for 32 bloody years.

We will never have to wait that long again. This moment right now is special. So let’s cherish it. Because before we know it time will move on again.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

What if Episode VII is Terrible?

What if Episode VII is Terrible?

In my heart I know that Episode VII is going to be the best Star Wars movie in the history of the franchise. Why is this the case? Because I am an optimist and I really, really want it to be good. It’s not very solid evidence, I know.

I guess could say “I trust Disney” or “I trust J.J.” but in truth I’ve seen amazing things out of both parties and I’ve seen “meh” things out of both parties.

It’s certainly possible Episode VII could be terrible. It probably won’t be as bad as the prequels, but it could be “just average”. Yet good or bad, it will never be a gutwrencher.

What is a gutwrencher you ask? A gutwrencher is a movie that you have waited months or years to see and then when you are sitting in the cinema watching the film, it slowly begins to dawn on you that what you are watching is terrible. There are little things at first. Tiny elements that begin to poke tiny holes into all your high expectations. And as it goes on, your suspense of disbelief is broken and you watch things go from “weird” to “bad” to “total and utter failure”.

For Phantom Menace it happened pretty quickly. It just didn’t feel like Star Wars to me- those Nemoidian costumes and the Chinese accents and the boring Jedi… all my hopes and dreams disintegrated in front of my eyes.

So why won’t “The Force Awakens” be a gutwrencher? Well… because gutwrencher’s don’t really happen anymore. I rarely go to a movie without checking their rating on Rotten Tomatoes to ensure that I won’t waste my money. Before I saw the Hobbit Trilogy, I knew it wasn’t going to be great. The word was out on the internet. “This is no LOTR”. So I suffered through the Hobbit films. I was still angry and annoyed, but it wasn’t a surprise.

Come December, the fans are going to know weeks in advance whether or not “The Force Awakens” will be:
A) A Blast, B) A Bomb, or C) Somewhere in the Middle.

Sometimes I wish I were a pessimist. I could arrive at the cinema expecting the film to be terrible, then, even if it were average, I could enjoy it. Unfortunately, I am not a pessimist.

My heart still tells me that I WILL see a 100% rating on the Tomatometer in the days leading up to the “The Force Awakens”, but if it only reads 89%, at least I’ll be prepared for the let-down.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

FURY ROAD WARS

How

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Revitalized My Fascination With Film

I use to love movies. In my teens my friends and I would bike to video stores, rent 3 or 4 films and stay up all night devouring them. I would frequent the cinemas, sometimes going back to watch the same movie twice, three times, or more. I had a DVD collection, a quite substantial one.

When the last time I purchased a film? I have no idea. When’s the last time I went back to the cinema to see a movie for the second time? No clue. My love for movies died out around the same time Revenge of the Sith released in cinemas. I still watch films. I saw Avatar… once. I watched the Marvel Universe films… once each and I fell asleep during at least three of them and never went back to finish. Why did this happen? Did I grow old? Did part of my soul die inside?

As my love for movies waned my love for Television exploded. Shows like LOST, DOCTOR WHO, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and GAME OF THRONES began to engulf my life. Indeed we live in a golden age of TV. People are leaving the cinemas and heading to on-demand internet streaming sites.

But why the change? Is it because TV is shorter? Easier to access? Can you do more on TV than in the hundreds of PG-13 clone films out there? Do writers have more freedom on TV? Why has TV been more impressive than film in the past decade?

Last night I understood why. After watching MAD MAX: FURY ROAD something happened to me. I put the 7GB movie file in my trashcan, pressed “Empty Trash” and then thought to myself “I want the DVD”! “I want to see that again”! “Then I want to watch it a third time with the directors commentary”. I didn’t want a sequel. I didn’t want a prequel. I didn’t want a webisode. I just wanted to watch the exact same film a second time.

And I realized it was because of the practical effects. It wasn’t necessarily the script or the acting or the characters. Those things were good, but they were not the reason I wanted to see the film again. It’s because the film felt real to me.

My mind knew that I wasn’t watching a bunch of animated cars defy the laws of gravity. I wasn’t seeing a bunch of animated characters bouncing off animated rocks falling to what should be their animated deaths but the laws of CGI save them. I wasn’t seeing a dwarf in a barrel bounce down an animated river and crash into animated orcs. I wasn’t seeing an animated walking fish stepping into animated feces.

What I saw on the screen were real cars driving through a real desert with real acrobats (Olympians and cirque du soleil performers) and my fracking mind told me that what I was seeing was fracking real and fracking cool.

Because of this I can call MAD MAX: FURY ROAD the best film that I’ve seen this decade. It took me for an adventure in a far away land… to a different time, a different place, and a different world. A world where all the laws of physics and gravity still apply. A world where directors can’t just put a bunch of actors in front of a blue screen and figure out everything else in “post”. A world where you need a finished script to start filming a movie.

I hope that THE FORCE AWAKENS can do this for me as well, but if not, I’ll always have FURY ROAD.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Going Dark

There is always a balance between HYPE and SPOILAGE. I've skirted this line with everything I am a fan of.... LOST, DOCTOR WHO, GAME OF THRONES... it's not easy being a geek.

Everyone knows that movies and TV are most enjoyable when you are genuinely surprised... genuinely shocked. It's hard to walk into a movie now-a-days knowing nothing about it, but the experience is rewarding when it happens. Last summer I wondered into "Edge of Tomorrow" having not scene a single trailer or synopsis or clip of the film. I was genially shocked when Cruise first died and it turned into a Groundhog Day film. Can you remember the last time you had that kind of genuine film experience? The last time you knew nothing about a film before you saw it?

When the Phantom Menace released in 1999, the spoilers in the marketing campaigns were shameless. Weird Al Yankovich wrote the song "The Saga Begins" from shot-by-shot descriptions of Episode I online. The novelization of "Menace" was published weeks before the film. The soundtrack had a track titled "Qui-Gon's Funeral". The plot of the film was pasted on toys, t-shirts, and pepsi cans.

But there is another side to this issue. Part of the fun of being a fan is the HYPE of a film- Posters, Trailers, Teaser Trailers. The journey can be fun, especially with Comic Con on the horizon.

So what is a fan to do? Where does one draw the line between HYPE and SPOILAGE? I've asked this question many times since Star Wars Episode VII was announced and I've always considered... when is the right time to GO DARK?

For me the answer is today. With Comic Con on the horizon, I actually have no desire to watch a third Episode VII "Teaser Trailer". I'd rather not see another frame of "The Force Awakens" until six months from now when I see those opening credits roll. Yes, my friends, I am "GOING DARK". See you in December!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Return of the Jedi as a Pirate Film

Bone Wars
Episode VI: Return to Skull Island

Luke Searaider has arrived in the port of Hong Kong to rescue his friend Captain One-Hand from the opium lord, Jubba the Hung. Little does Luke know that the East Imperial Trading Company has began construction of a new giant man-of-war called “Tarkin’s Revenge” off the coast of Skull Island. This ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of pirates struggling to restore free trade to the seas…

(The pirate cook Three Peas O’Brian is moving through the crowded streets of Hong Kong with his parrot Arrr-too)

Arrr-too – Squack

Three Peas- Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. “Long Bones” Calrissian and Chewie the Giant never returned from this awful place. Are you sure this is the right place Arr-too? A bad feeling have I.

(A tall gangster -Bo Fortunes- answers the door)

Bo- What you want, gold hair?

Three Peas- I’ve come to purchase opium, sir.

Bo- You want opium, you go to street dealer.

Three Peas- You don’t understand, good sir. I need to fill a ship.

Bo- Heh! You’ll never get out of Hong Kong harbor with a ship full of opium. The East Imperial Trading Company catch you!

Three Peas- Well it’s a good thing we are sailing west.

Bo- I see. Come in.

Scene 2

Jubba- What makes you think that you can sneak a ship full of opium out of Hong Kong?

Three Peas- I have a fast ship and a fast crew and an excellent captain.

Jubba- So you have said. But what is the name of this captain? Surely I would have heard of him.

Three Peas- Of course. His name is Captain One Hand of the Malaysain Falcoln.

(There is an uproar from the Opium Den)

Jubba- Ho ho ho ho! Funny little pirate. Captain One Hand has become my permanent decoration.

(A wall rotates and we see Captain One Hand is chained to it. He is thin, bony, and looks half dead. The palace erupts in laughter)

Three Peas- Ah, yes. But since the old Captain One Hand was taken into your custody a new Captain One Hand has taken his place. One former, Luke Searider.

Jubba- Luke Searider is only a boy. He’s no captain. I grow tired of this farce. Guards take this scallywag to the scullery and put him to work.

Scene 3

(Late that night Arrr-too flies from Jubba’s opium den back to the Malaysian Falcoln. He lands on Luke Searider and places a key in his hand)

Luke- Good boy!

Scene 4

(Eliza Bloodthrone enters Jubba’s den. She has Chewie the Giant in chains)

Eliza- I have come to claim bounty on this giant

Jubba- Ho, ho, ho, ho! You can’t fool me, wench. You are Eliza Bloodthrone, Heir to the Island of Atlantis, which the Empire destroyed. It was assaulted by so many cannonballs that it is said the entire island sunk into the drink. Your people have drowned and you are a princess no longer.

Eliza- Are you going to give me my reward or not?

Jubba- You are part of the crew of the Malaysian Falcon. Captain One Hand is your lover. Why would you betray his first mate?

Eliza- I suggest that you take the bounty, Jubba.

Jubba- And why is that?

Eliza- Because I am holding a stick of dynamite.

(There is an uproar from the opium den)

Jubba- Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho! You expect me to be afraid of one stick of dynamite. It isn’t even lit!

(Luke Searider’s voice comes from above, high in the rafters. He is holding a torch)

Luke- There is plenty more where that came from! Your floor boards are lined with the Jubba. Now you will release Captain One Hand to me or we will all die in flame.

Jubba- How did you get here? Guards, kill him!

(The guards move for their weapons. There is an explosion from the kitchen)

Luke- I’m not fooling around Jubba. This is your last chance!

Jubba- Alright. Guards. Lower your weapons. It appears we have a Pekinese stand off. Let us parley, boy. You want me to release the captain to you and I don’t want to die- but if I hand you the captain and let you walk free, how can you guarantee me that you don’t blow me up anyway?

Luke- Simple. You walk out of here. Right now. You leave… then we leave.

Jubba- Alright. Fine. We leave. But what do I get out of this trade?

Eliza- This is no trade you overgrown tub of lard! This is a death threat!

Jubba- Yes, I see. Since I don’t want to die, I give you what you want. There’s only one problem my sweet princess. You see, I know that you don’t want to die either and that you don’t want him to die. And maybe you value his life even more than I value my own.

Luke- What do you want, Jubba?

Jubba- A fair trade!

Luke- What trade?

Jubba- I want the girl. The girl comes with me and my men. You get your captain back. I leave…. Then you leave.

Luke- It’s not happening, Jubba!

Jubba- It’s a fair trade. One double-crossing low-life pirate captain for the princess of a sunken world.

Eliza- I’ll do it!

Luke- Eliza, no!

Eliza- It’s the only way to save him, Luke. I’m sorry.

(She surrenders himself to Jubba)

Scene 5

Bo- Where are you going master?

Jubba- To my junk barge. We’re getting out of here. Tell the bosun to ready the crew for Singapore.

Scene 6 – In which the Malaysian Falcon chases down Jubba’s Junk Barge and his battle skiffs and a fight ensues. Jubba summons his “pet” kraken which eats all the poor souls that happen to fall into the ocean during the skirmish.

Scene 7- In which Eliza Bloodthrone uses her chains to choke Jubba to death.

Scene 8 – In which Jubba’s barge explodes and the Malaysian Falcon escapes unscathed.

Scene 9 – (The Malaysian Falcon has rendezvoused with the rest of the pirate alliance off of the shores of the Sullustan Islands.)

Admiral Squidmore- Many squidmen died to bring us this information. As you know the Empire is building a new man-of-war named “Tarkin’s Revenge”. Our spies tell us that they are using resources from Skull Island to build it and they have constructed a crude fort on the Island to protect their construction site. If we can take out the fort, we can take out the ship.

“Long Bones” Calrissian- The Imperials have a whole fleet near that fort. How can we possibly attack it?

Squidmore- A small team of guerilla fighters will land on the south side of the island, work their way through the forests, and they will use explosives to destroy the fort. Once the fort is destroyed, the pirate alliance will commence with our massive attack on the Imperial fleet.

Eliza Bloodthrone- (To One Hand) I wonder what suicidal maniac they found to lead that mission.

Squidmore- Captain One Hand, is your assault team ready?

Captain One Hand- Well… we haven’t exactly discussed it yet.

Chewie the Giant- Skull Island is the deadliest hunk of rock on the map. Count me in!

Luke Searider- I’m in too!

Arrr-tooo (from the shoulder of Three Peas)- *Squak* I’m in too *Squack*

Three Peas- I guess that means I’m tagging along

(They all look at Eliza)

Eliza- (she sighs) I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this.

Scene 10 – In which our heroes are kidnapped by viscous island natives who try to cook them over a fire.

Scene 11 – In which Arrr-too, the talking parrot, talks and the natives think that he is a god, so they free the pirates.

Scene 12- In which Eliza Bloodthrone convinces the natives to join them in their fight against the East Imperial Trading Company

Scene 13-

(It is night and Luke Searider is standing alone on a bridge of the native treetop village)

Eliza- Hey there stranger. What are you doing out here all alone?

Luke- I can’t assault the base in the morning.

Eliza- The hell you say!

Luke- It’s my father, Eliza. He’s here.

Eliza- You mean Commodore VonDarth?

Luke- Yes. I have to go to him.

Eliza- No you don’t! He doesn’t care about you. He left abandoned you as a child. He left you to be raised by his step-brother.

Luke- But he regrets those things. What if I can use those emotions against him? If VonDarth is compromised we have a better chance of succeeding in our mission.

Eliza- Is this about the mission or is this about you?

Luke- I have to go Eliza.

Eliza- Fine. But if you leave now, we’re done. We are no longer a thing. You got that?

Luke- Now that the Captain’s back, you don’t need me anyway.

(Eliza storms off in a fury)

Scene 14-

Officer- Commodore VonDarth, this pirate surrendered to us. He says that he is your… your…

VanDarth- My son. Yes. My son is a pirate, unfortunately. Have you come to submit your application to the East Imperial Trading Company, boy?

Luke- My business is with you alone, father.

VanDarth- Just as well, I don’t think they would have you. Well we’d better get going.

Luke- Where are you taking me?

VanDarth- To His Royal Majesty of course. He is very interested in your qualities.

Luke- The King is here?

VanDarth- Aboard Tarkin’s Revenge.

Luke- But it’s still under construction.

VanDarth- So you were lead to believe. The best kind of trap, my boy, is when the teeth are as sharp as the cheese looks. Ho, ho!

Scene 15- In which the Skull Island natives attack the fort, but are ambushed by the King’s best troops.

Scene 16- In which the pirate fleet attack the under-construction Tarkin’s Revenge but Admiral Squidworth realizes that IT’S A TRAP!

Scene 17- In which King Palpatine convince Commadore VanDarth and Luke Searider to fight each other to the death.

Season 18-

(One of the pirate ships blows to pieces)

“Long Bones” Clarissian- That blast came from Tarkin’s Revenge. That thing is operational.

Admiral Squidworth- All ships prepare to retreat!

Long Bones- We won’t get another chance at this Admiral

Squidworth- We have no choice. Our ships can’t repel cannonballs of that magnitude!

Long Bones- One hand will have that fort down, we’ve got to give him more time!

Scene 18-

(Luke and VanDarth are still sword fighting aboard Tarkin’s Revenge)

VanDarth- Captain One Hand has taught you well!

Luke- Someone had to teach me something.

VanDarth- So you joined up with Pirates?

Luke- It was that or thatching roofs, Father. You left me little choice.

VanDarth- You think I had a choice? The King summoned me.

Luke- So you are a slave then? To your king.

VanDarth- You know nothing, my boy.

Scene 19 -In which Captain One-Hand fools the Imperial troops, enters the fort, and blows everything up, but ultimately blows himself up in the process.

Scene 20- In which the pirate fleet is finally able to approach “Tarkin’s Revenge” and invade it.

Scene 21- In which Commodore VanDarth slices the hand off of Luke Searider and the king laughs.

King Palpatine- Good, good! Now finish him and stand by my side as Admiral VanDarth.

Luke- Father. Will you kill your own son? For a promotion?

VanDarth- I have no choice, son.

Luke- Everyone, has a choice father. You still do.

(VanDarth looks to the King)

King Palpatine- Don’t listen to that brat, VanDarth. He is a criminal

Luke- Father. A wise man once said that if you punish men for the crimes to which their first education disposed them, what else is to be concluded, but that you first make thieves and then punish them.

VanDarth- Thomas Moore.

(They approach the King together)

King Palpatine- No! I command you VanDarth. Kill that brat! Kill that brat!

(VanDarth slays the king)

Scene 22- In which the Pirate Fleet starts to turn the “tides” of the battle.

Scene 23- In which Luke narrowly escape Tarkin’s Revenge before it sinks into the drink taking VanDarth with it.

Scene 24- In which the pirates have defeated the Imperial Navy and have a party

Scene 25-

Luke- I can’t believe he’s gone.

Eliza- “One Hand” was a good captain, but not a good man.

Luke- What are you saying?

Eliza- I’m saying that I can’t continue on like this.

Luke- Someone needs to take command of the Malaysian Falcon.

Eliza- Then leave it to Long Bones! I don’t want to do this anymore Luke. I want to settle down.

Luke- But piracy is all I know.

Eliza- But where is it taking you, Luke? Where will you be next week or next month or next year? I’m asking you to abandon it, Luke. I’m asking you to settle down.

Luke- “You wouldn't abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn't control the winds.”

Eliza- Thomas Moore?

Luke- Thomas Moore.

Eliza- Goodbye then, fair pirate. I leave you to your seas.

Luke- Goodbye, fair princess. May you never look back.

Scene 26-

(Captain Luke Searider boards his ship and looks to his crew. They wait for instructions)

Luke- Chewie, pull the anchor, we’re leaving port immediately. Three Peas -organize a cleaning detail - I want every inch of the Falcon spic-and-span and ship-shape! “Long Bones”, set a course!

“Long Bones” – Where to Captain Searider?

Luke- Set your sights on the sky, bosun. Second Star to the right, and straight on till morning.

“Long Bone” – Aye Aye Captain!

Luke- (Smiles up at the sky and starts to sing under his breath) Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho, a pirates life for me…

(The orchestra takes over as the Malaysian Falcon sails for uncharted waters.)

ROLL CREDITS

May the 4th Specials